#i got told every day that my life shit would make people grow tired of me and hate me and by the looks of it they were right

[concalfactorius]

Sometimes I wish my friends didn't just up and abandon me when I was at my darkest moment, and stopped to maybe understand why i couldn't do the things they were asking me to do. I miss when things were simpler, and i actually had things to be excited about.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for leaving my friend groups Discord server?

💐💐💐 So I can find this later. For context, I was in 2 servers that were friend groups, where my friends would all interact with each other, play & stream games, etc. However, recently we had a situation where someone, let's call her Sasha, would send many vent messages in the general channel, then delete said message before we could respond or even look at the messages, & get mad at us for not responding. She'd also complain about everything that happened in her life, school, in games, & she'd always repeat the same things, over & over again. In the end, we got tired of how she was forcing everyone to stop being as active in the server because of her behavior & actions, so we all made another server, without Sasha, so we could interact with peace without her interrupting conversations. This all happened 3-4 months ago. Then 3 of the people in our new server got a game on Roblox, Deepwoken. Another person, let's call him Kevin, already had the game for a while, so they all got the game & started playing all together. They were incredibly passionate about it, it would be the only thing talked about. One of them got me the currency to get Deepwoken, so I could play with them all. A while later, I got a hang of the game, then when I asked if any of them could play with me, one of them, let's call him Tim, would keep telling me that "Oh, you have to play the game alone to get the real experience, & to learn things better." every time I would ask. Sometimes, rarely, they'd answer some questions I had about the game that I didn't quite grasp yet, & a lot of the time i'd just, not receive any answer. After a while, I got tired of how they didn't respond to me at all, so I just stopped playing. Keep in mind, I don't have any other friends that have the game, so I didn't have anyone else to talk to about it. I love my friends but I felt ignored & was hurt, so I passed ownership to another friend of mine, & left. About a day after leaving, I ended up feeling extremely depressed & overwhelmed with schoolwork, eye appointments, a random limb & joint pain that I had no idea why I was having, & I accidentally unfriended Tim. With my being extremely overwhelmed, thinking it was a good idea at the time, I sent him a message saying "accidentally unfriended u mb. u could also not accep, that works too" Then another message after that one, "okay well um, im gonna assume that you arent going to accept it again so thank you for all youve done for me before you say that im making it sound like i gave up; i have given up i gave up a little while ago" After that, I got a message from him saying that I needed to calm down, that my friend request wasn't the most important thing in his mind right now, & that he's allowed to put it on hold for at least a day before I start telling him some "nvm shit". I sincerely apologized & told him that I needed to take a break, that I hope he's doing okay, & that I hope college goes well for him. I did indeed, take a break, for only 2 weeks because I felt extremely guilty, stupid & reckless. Those weeks felt like forever because that whole thing was on my mind 24/7. It was eating me alive. & No, I am not saying to gain pity. Just trying to explain what I felt. Tim answered, told me that I should grow & change as a person, & that he doesn't mean it in a condescending way, that the server was meant to be a safe space, that in order to make everyone comfortable, there's some things we need to just not say or some things we need to think about a lot before saying them. It's the reason Sasha got booted, & that we give as much as we get. I'm reading back on his messages, & I didn't say anything in the server to make everyone uncomfortable. Am I the asshole?

What are these acronyms?

[austonwithan-o]

“Honey you’re my medicine”- Ethan Edwards

————————————

Bro idk this just popped into my head…

TW: HEAVY HEAVY DEPRESSION IN THIS. LIKE DON’T READ IF DEPRESSION TRIGGERS YOU. A lot of this was channeled from my experiences with depression -Drugs -alcohol

Lowkey inspired by the song People by Libianca

Proofread once!!

——————————————————————————

I guess your depression wasn’t as obvious as you thought. You were life of the party, the light of everyone’s life. That’s why when you decided to take the second semester of your sophomore year off to focus on your mental health people were absolutely shocked. You were bombarded by texts asking if you were okay, if people could come over to hangout and see how you were doing but your phone was on dnd. For a whole 3 weeks. Your absence hit Ethan the hardest mostly because he was your best friend since you were toddlers. His sadness turned to anger which turned to guilt.

Why didn’t you tell him how you were feeling?

What could he have done to help?

When did you start feeling like this?

He should have saw the signs earlier. The first semester at Umich you went to almost every frat party with him and hardly ever drank but one night you got absolutely shit faced. One night turned into 2 which turned into 3 which turned into 4 and so on. Ethan always took care of you after always driving you back to your dorm if he didn’t drink or called an Uber for you both, helping you into pajamas and taking your makeup off and putting you to bed. Sometimes one of the other hockey boys helped him as well just to make sure you were extra safe getting home. He just saw it as you finally getting over the freshman nerves and letting loose. He started getting concerned after you started mixing in some marijuana. He never knew you to get into drugs but shrugged it off when you told him to stop worrying and that you were just having fun. Being away from home, your family problems and dealing with the growing pains just got to be too much to handle. Everyone in your life felt so distant and so out of place. The feeling of being a burden and opening up to people made you pull away from them. You started to cope with alcohol and weed. Being on a college campus it was all pretty accessible. Part of you thought the change of behavior might open a position for Ethan to ask you what was going on but he only egged you on and invited the behavior. The developing feelings for him came crashing down on you faster than you could have imagined and you tried pushing them away not wanting to ruin the friendship you had but as fast as they came they imploded when rumors of him and a girl hooking up on the down low surfaced. It sent you over the edge in a way you never thought would or could ever happen. You decided to confront Ethan about it one night in his Jeep on your weekly late night drive and he just laughed about it asking, “what are you jealous or something?” He obviously meant no harm but you didn’t know how to respond. A few minutes later you asked him to drop you off at your dorm since you were tired. When you got back you got so crossed you didn’t even remember the conversation the next morning. Just the feeling of a bad hangover and migraine overtook you which you would take any day over whatever he made you feel that night.

You stopped going to classes after a while and switched to online because you could “focus on other things outside of school” is what you told Ethan. He again shrugged it off.

You wondered how long it would take him to approach you and ask what was going on. You were screaming for his attention, your cries for help weren’t loud enough to him. He carried on with the parties always inviting you but you turned them down time and time again.

It was 11 o’clock at night. The meals your mom prepared for you sat on your nightstand untouched and cold. A slight breeze blew through your open window and the sound of a car pulling into your driveway merely background noise didn’t even phase you.

A light knock on the door went unheard by you. Your mom answering the door,

“Please Mrs. Y/l/n I need to see her. I can’t handle another week of this.” Ethan’s eyes were bloodshot. His hair wet from a shower. He was holding a hoodie. A hoodie you always stole from him when you went out. He kept it in his Jeep just for you.

“Ethan she won’t talk. I’ve tried to talk to her. She has an appointment tomorrow. Trust me honey I’ve tried everything.” Your mom was slightly distraught by the boy showing up so late but he wasn’t taking no for an answer.

“Please let me try and talk to her. I need to see her I’m begging you.” He pleaded with the woman. A sigh of defeat left her mouth as she stepped aside. He didn’t hesitate. Making his way up your stairs he stood outside your door slightly letting guilt and fear take over his body.

Maybe I shouldn’t? He thought but his hand hand already opened the door.

There you laid in your bed. Your room a mess and the smell of food filled his senses. You opened your eyes laying your sight on the boy standing in the doorway. Normally you’d be embarrassed letting someone that close to you look at you and your space in such a messy state but you couldn’t even muster up a greeting. Tears started streaming down your face but no noise or movement came from your small figure.

It broke him seeing you in such a vulnerable state. He made his way over putting the hoodie on your dresser and crawled over you pulling the covers off you slowly, slipping in and pulling them over you both. His arms snaked around your waist pulling you into him. You weren’t even wearing pants, your t-shirt clad body pressed against his. The smell of you and the lack of a shower in days filled his senses only making his heartbreak more. God what happened to you? Is all he could think.

“Ethan,” You managed to croak out.

“Y/n I’m here. You don’t have to talk. You don’t have to do anything. I’m just here to lay with you.” He whispered into your ear placing his face in the crook of your neck slightly kissing it sending a shiver down your spine.

“Ethan I’m sorry.” Is all you could say, the tears ran from your eyes like a river soaking your bedsheets once again.

“Don’t ever apologize y/n. You’ve done nothing wrong just let me help you in whatever way I can.” Ethan felt the tears coming down his face, they soaked your hair.

“I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t stay there. I don’t know why but everyone. Everything it just got too much. The rumors of you. Everything.” Your voice was small and hard to understand over the sobs.

“Baby I know. I’m so sorry the world hasn’t been kind to you. You don’t deserve this. I’m always gonna be here for you, me, Marky, Rut, Lukey, Seamus. All of us have been worried sick over you. We all love you so much y/n God I wish you could feel that. The rumors are rumors y/n you know I would never do anything like that and especially never to you. I love you too much to ever do that. I’m yours and will only ever be yours.” His voice was shaky but he kept it together. He didn’t want his crying to overwhelm you to much.

You turned around burying your face into his chest making him hold you closer. His hand traveled down your back stopping at the small of it massaging light circles. His other one wrapped around your head lightly massaging it too. You felt an overwhelming sense of warmth cascading through your body at his touch. You needed your best friend and even more he needed you.

“Ethan I love you.”

“My girl I love you even more. More than you’ll ever know.” He planted a kiss on your head. The sound of his heartbeat lulling you to sleep and the warmth and knowledge of your safety in his arms sent him into sleep as well. Both broken in different ways but both healing with the same medicine. Each other.

[intheholler]

reading an article for a class (appalachian studies) and i kept being reminded of u

https://www.guernicamag.com/lost-in-a-misgendered-appalachia/

[positive] [with no foul intent] [its a good article]

i have read this article a few times since you sent it in and i still don't exactly know how to express my thoughts on it.

first: amen

second: yall literally have no idea how it makes me feel when you say somethin appalachian-related reminded yall of me. for real <3333

third: time to get long winded and sentimental, because i've never considered it this way, but it's so true. when i think of appalachia, i dont think about lifted trucks and gun shows.

i think about my badass grandma who was a fiery divorced, sex-positive, weed smoking, unapologetic feminist in her day and who didn't take no shit from no mountain men.

i think about my gospel loving, soft spoken mama who loudly loved jesus, a woman anyone would write off as an average "southern christian white lady" on the surface. how she didn't bat an eye when i nervously told her i was gay as a preteen. i think about how she hugged me and told me how much she loved me, how not everyone was gonna be nice about it or understand but that i was going to be safe and it was gonna be okay. how when i was a kid she stood up to that fire n brimstone southern baptist preacher and got us the fuck out of there.

i think about one of my best friends in high school, a visibly queer butch lesbian in our tiny bible beating western NC town. how fucking brave and cool she was for being one of maybe three "out" queers at school and so visibly queer at that. i think about how she got married to a pretty girl last year in that same town.

i think about two of my close friends who had to grow up so heartbreakingly fast, a pair of sisters who were at the time so young but selflessly spent their free time caring for their terminally ill mother by themselves up in their lonely holler without ever lodging a complaint

i think about my sister who dropped everything to raise me when she was only 23, breaking her back and making shit work because no one else was gonna make it work for us. i think about how one of my great aunts literally cleaned out her bedroom to furnish mine when she learned i was sleepin on a shitty couch in a cold basement.

i think about my other great aunt who apologizes for absolutely no part of who she was and holds fast to her beliefs no matter what. i think about her filling her house with the warm smell of soup beans and biscuits that were gonna feed the whole family when they come later.

when i think about appalachia, i think about the women in my life. appalachia is divine and it is absolutely divinely feminine. it's the heart of these hills and patriarchy taints it like it does everything fuckin else.

as an aside, i really loved this section here. it was kind of empowering:

Despite our region’s diversity and passionate socialist and pro-union roots, many have bought into the capitalist terms and definitions inflicted upon us. The religiosity of the place exacerbates this messaging, and the prevalence of evangelical Christianity in rural hollers means we often internalize toxic ideas about ourselves. Or perhaps we have simply tired of fighting to be seen. The pressure of religious and economic patriarchy, particularly in an exploited region like this one, means we live inside a perpetually loaded question. Nothing is more exhausting than trying to prove you exist. But the consequences of surrendering are stark: worsening wealth gaps, lost histories, continued erasures of diverse people and ecosystems. To live in Appalachia nowadays is to live with our failure to break down systemic racism, and with our complicity in the abuse of our bodies, labor, and land by unregulated corporations and himbo charlatans.

whew, okay. anyway, thanks for sending this in <33 it really made me think. yall should check it out. it's a long read but its worth every syllable!

[mageofseven]

The Boys' Opinions on MC's Dog

Same premise as the one with the cat, but this time with my sweet furbaby Elsa~

This is Elsa, my babygirl 🥰

I adopted her a few years back during a time of heavy depression and she has boosted me up for the better.

She is a chihuahua mix (or so the people I adopted from guessed; their other guess was a terrier mix) and was found wandering the streets. They think she escaped her previous owner's backyard, but aren't sure because no one came looking for her. I adopted her when she was one and a half.

Before anyone asks though, I will explain about her eyes. Those pinky red spots are her tear ducts, as I was told. We call them her cherry eyes and she's had them since I adopted her. I've talked about them with the vet and the lady said they don't hurt her or anything of the sort; they just sorta look strange when they pop out like this.

There is a surgery to fix it, but it's was too expensive and then she might have to have eye drops in her eyes for the rest of her life (and she hates eye drops a lot). Overall, I feel like it would cause her more harm than good to do it anyway.

I made sure explain this because I've literally had people (both irl and through me messaging them her picture) react like "Dear god, what is wrong with her eyes!!!" And it's like chill dude and stop insulting my dog.

She's still a beautiful and sweet little girl 🥰💕

So yeah! She's fine so there's no need to worry about the cherry eyes. She is however partially blind in one eye, but that is because...well, she dislikes cats and in the beginning of taking care of her brother Beanie, she wasn't his biggest fan. One day she had him cornered, he swatted her, and I had a $300 vet bill on my hands.

She is a sweet girl though! She just thinks she's bigger and tougher than she actually is. I call her my little Gryffindor sometimes lol.

Elsa's other names: Elsa Mae, Babygirl, Baby Love, Little Love, Baby Angel, Sweet Girl, and Little Bitch (jokingly since the non cuss word meaning of bitch is female dog and she's little, hence little bitch lol)

And lastly

The Queen 👑 hehe~

Now let's see how the Boys' handle her! She is quite needy so let's see how this goes hehe.

•▪︎▪︎◇°●♡●°◇▪︎▪︎•

Lucifer:

Was honest less reluctant than he was in Beanie's timeline.

Lucifer preferred big dogs (evident by Cerberus), but believed small dogs have their own charms.

Elsa was just this little helpless girl and he quickly grew a soft spot for her.

She was bit annoying though since she was always crying about something

But she was easy to soothe and the pride demon did enjoy holding her close and comforting her

Once she got used to him at least.

In truth, Elsa is scared of men, something we guess to be a part of a past trauma, either from when she was on the streets or because her first owner treated her poorly.

Because of this, it takes her awhile to feel safe with any man

But Lucifer is very patient and soft with her and he soon becomes one of her favorite people.

She can often be found on his lap as he does paperwork and will gently distract him from his work with a nudge of her nose to his arm.

Though it was annoying to him at first, those brief periods of having to stop his work for a moment to pet the needy furbaby actually did wonders for his stress.

Overall, he finds Elsa slightly tiring, but very sweet and enjoys the comfort she gives him.

Mammon:

This dude likes making fun of the dog

And gets smacked by MC on the arm or back of the head every time they hear him say anything mean.

In truth, he does like the chubby little thing.

Elsa's cries for attention always make this need dude feel needed and that's a feeling Mammon really wishes he felt more.

He pretends to find her annoying, but in truth grows to love her.

Some nights he'll try to steal the pup from her mama's (MC's) bed just for the dog to turn on him and bark still the whole house knows he's doing shit.

Will sometimes bribe her with food to try to get Elsa to choose him over his other brothers and it will usually work since she's so food driven.

Overall, Elsa makes this man feel important and gets Mammon addicted to the feeling.

Leviathan:

This dog knows how to make him feel guilty and he hates it.

He can't even eat a meal without her staring at him.

Feels like she thinks he's some monster who would starve her just 'cause he eats his own food.

Elsa's big eyes are good at this so it's not just Levi.

The envy demon also hates when she tries to come into his room.

Levi isn't worried she'll mess with his stuff or anything like that since she's such a good dog.

However, his room is stuffed with things that could crush the tiny girl if they fell

And this man has too much anxiety to chance it

So instead she cries outside his bedroom till eventually she fall asleep against his door.

Almost stepped on her while leaving his room once and this dude still hasn't forgiven himself.

Overall is very anxious about her size and just tries to distance himself from what he sees as an incredibly fragile little thing.

Satan:

This man is a cat lover; we all know this.

Still, he treats Elsa nice enough.

Will sometimes have to excuse himself when she cries too much.

It really gets on his nerves and the Avatar of Wrath knows his limits at this point.

Will pet her and call her a good girl, but that is the extent of his interactions with her.

Another brother worried about Elsa coming into their room.

Satan has so many books and many cursed books.

The poor girl could get severely hurt if a pile fell on her

And there's always the risk of a curse one touching her and then Satan will have to explain to MC why her precious pup is now a baby chick or something like that.

It's just safer to keep her out.

Overall, Satan is good to her, but overall disinterested.

Asmodeus:

Omg she's too perfect!!!

Gushes over the furbaby and spoils her with love.

Will refuse to let her on his lap if she's been outside recently though; Elsa has dirtied his clothes like this in the past and it upset the lust demon when his favorite pants got mud on them.

Is usually the brother ready to snuggle her when she cries.

Overall, Asmo loves Elsa very much and will always give her the affection she craves.

Beelzebub:

The man who can never put her down.

This dog just activates his Daddy instincts and he can't help but take care of her.

Is literally terrified of stepping on her; he is a big man and she is a tiny girl after all.

This is a part of why he holds her so much; if she's in his arms then she can never be hurt.

Plus hugging her makes him oh so happy 🥺💕

Is the brother that helps with most of Elsa's needs.

Beel will trim her nails for MC, despite Elsa's loud wails the entire time like she's being murdered (she hates her paws being touched). It hurts his heart, but he knows it's good for her.

Will sometimes help MC give her a bath, but not always.

Her cry is extra sad and pathetic, enough to break the hearts of anyone within hearing distance and it's too much for Beely 😢

Finds it funny afterwards when she refuses the towel and dries herself on the carpet (she rolls around and does a funny dancer essentially) while staring at MC with accusatory eyes.

Unfortunately, Beel is always one to sneak her food as well 😅

Elsa is a bit overweight and the vet wants her to lose some pounds but this girl is always hungry.

For obvious reasons, this man empathizes with her and can't help but sneak her some dog-safe food at times.

Overall, Beel fell in love. MC may be this dog's mama but he wants to be the daddy so bad.

Please MC 🥺👉👈

Belphegor:

Gets annoyed with her easily and can say some pretty mean things to her.

Belphie doesn't mean it though! Boy is just grouchy when woken up and Elsa tends to do that a lot.

She can't jump on beds by herself so cries and cries till she is finally placed on it.

Once the pup snuggles up with him to join him for his nap, the sloth demon immediately feels like an ass.

Belphie is also the one Elsa runs to when there's a thunderstorm.

She'll hide under the blankets with Belphie and he'll do his best to stay awake long enough to give the shaking dog some comfort.

Overall, likes her but gets annoyed by her a lot.

Diavolo:

This man gets so excited when MC brings Elsa to the castle!

Barb has zero chance of getting the prince to do work when the sweet pup visits with her mama lol

Honestly, this man is probably one of the few Elsa bonds with the quickest.

Dia is just so happy and showers her in love and treats (he always has an excuse for MC for why it's perfectly fine for Elsa to have so many treats 'just this once').

Elsa will literally run to this man the very second she sees him.

This little girl loves her 'Uncle Dia' so much (and boy, does Diavolo love being called that 🥰)

Barb takes the interruption to the prince's work schedule in stride

And even will uses it a motivator to get the man through his paperwork without staring out the window for like ten minutes at a time.

Will often make deals like 'like finish x amount of papers today and I will ask MC to bring Elsa tomorrow afternoon and bam, the work is done in lightning speed.

Elsa is more of a help than a hindrance to the prince's work so it all works out well 🥰🤭

Overall, Dia loves Elsa to bits and wishes she could visit more.

Barbatos:

Honestly, this man is no where near as close to Elsa as he was was with Beanie.

He finds Elsa cute and a good motivator for Diavolo, but a bit of a trouble maker.

Elsa doesn't quite understand what the Little Ds around the castle are, but assumes they are strange animals.

She'll snarl and try chasing the Little Ds, only for some to push her back or scare her off, resulting in her running to Barbatos and hiding behind his leg as she shakes.

This prompts Barb to frown and make a small sigh before kneeling down and comforting the scared pup.

Elsa causes problems for herself and expects help from the butler; this is no different from some people he knows and so he is used to it.

I'll admit, he never completely got over the time she tracked her muddy footprints all over the castle after being in the garden on a damp day, but blames MC more than he blames the ignorant pup.

Overall, Barb likes Elsa, but is less than thrilled about some aspects of her.

Solomon:

Honestly finds the dog precious.

It takes a while for Elsa to get familiar with him and not let her fear of men include him though.

Solomon was patient though and had no issues with waiting.

Didn't go out his way to bribe or force affection onto Elsa; just let time do its thing.

Even once the two started bonding, Elsa would bark every time he comes into House of Lamentation.

Solomon just laughs it off and say HoL has a pretty good security system now.

Despite the rather loud greeting, the dog always has to sit on his lap for a bit and will whine to rush him to sit down.

Overall, Solomon likes Elsa and thinks she's funny.

Simeon:

#1 pet sitter right here.

This angel sees Elsa as one of the most precious beings he's ever seen and is always up for pet sitting when need be.

Despite her fear of men, Elsa was never the least bit scared of Simeon.

Why that is, MC has no clue, but it definitely made some of the other men jealous in the beginning.

Just Simeon's name alone will make the dog run to the door and whine, making her think he's here to visit her.

His name becomes a trigger word the residents of HoL have to spell in order not to hype her up for disappointment

Just for Elsa to somehow associate the spoken letters of his name to his name and react the same.

How the hell is this dog so good at spelling???

(She legit is. Spell 'treat' around her and she will lose her shit; idk man she is too smart for her own good lol)

They literally just have to refer to him as 'the angel' when he's not around, a fact that Simeon finds funny.

Overall, Simeon loves the sweet pup dearly and Elsa loves him to a degree that shocks others lol

Luke:

!!!!!!!!!!!

The best of friends, through and through.

Luke practically fell in love with the dog instantly and Elsa loves older kids so the feeling was mutual.

(She doesn't like toddlers because of the time my nephew hit her when he was two, but loves older kids who know how to be gentle).

Often begs MC to let him to sleepover HoL for a night so he can spend more time with Elsa and even snuggle her while he falls asleep.

Will also bake her peanut butter treats, a favorite of hers 💕

These two are freaking cute together and no one is immune to it.

Overall: Besties. What more can I say?

[surgeonirl]

hey gang... hey gaaang... heres my take on jack sato's life growing up idc if you dont like it its called 'my take' for a reason! enjoy :3

he was born to his mother and father, and for the first bit of his life, he lived in japan. they were fine until his mother had a psychopathic episode, which gave his father the opportunity to get out of there with jack (they didn’t actually need to, but he pleaded that his wife obviously enough wasn’t stable to be left alone with a child and due to his wife’s obvious instability, the court sided with him and that gave him whole custody.) jack’s father moved himself and jack to america when he was around ten. until this point, jack only knew smaller bits of english, and even then he struggled with those pronounciations, this was the start of people teasing and picking on him consistantly. he was isolated for how he spoke and how he looked (he looked like a girl).

his home situation wasn’t any better because his dad’s a fucking bop, bringing home new girlfriend every second day but along with being a bop he was also really just not there emotionally, so whenever jack started begging and crying to go back ‘home’ he told him to fuck off and of course, eventually his dad got sick and tired of jack begging to go home, so he said something along the lines of “grow up, you’re not going back because there’s nothing left for some kid like you. your mother is dead, and i would never go with you. do you want to be out on the streets”. that impacted jack more than anything said beforehand, because the only actual reason he wanted to go back was for his mother.

over time that longing for his mom ended up becoming some anger that he just had deep down 24/7, so by the time he got into highschool, not only was he in the deep end of his health going to shit and having to deal with his father, he had to deal with expectations and standards. the bullying from when he’d originally moved there was consistent until he ended up dropping out in his senior year (he knew he was never going to graduate, and he’d rather drop out than spend any minute longer with his classmates). the bullying he dealt with was mainly shaming him for his body, where he was from and his temper.

during all of this, he obviously met elijah in high school (this did happen), but after jack dropped out, their interactions became less frequent because they simply just didn’t have any time to talk anymore.

when he dropped out, his dad flipped his lid and he threatened that if jack didn’t do something worthwhile and pay rent, he’d be kicked out. jack argued with this, and it went back and forth, it was easily one of their worse arguments, but the ‘doing something worthwhile’ and the ‘paying rent’ wasn’t necessary as his father kicked him out.

jack was homeless, pretty much. he’d either sleep in his car (which he gave up after a while due to barely being able to afford food), crash on a friend’s (bandmate, they didn’t want their vocalist/bassist dead) couch or just sleeping out on the street.

at some point he did try a homeless shelter, but after a month he was kicked out due to an outburst he had. that’s when he met garrett after the first time in ages.

while he stayed with garrett, he basically was able to get back on his feet and get his own small apartment. it was an absolute shithole, there was mold and probably even a rat, but yk it was a roof pver his head. so with his minimum wage pizza delivery job, he was just barely making enough to pay rent. he got significantly thinner during this time due to not being able to buy food at times, and he couldn’t manage two jobs at once. he picked up any and every shift he could just to do all of that.

[emo-protagonist]

i’m making this post just to vent cus i need to, nothing serious dw but this post is for the void.

growing up i never truly had a place i belonged, in school i didn’t have a lot of friends and was disliked (lowkey bullied), middle school was the same and high school i kinda just wasn’t super close with anyone. during the summer i did a sleep away camp for two weeks and i never loved it, same story wasn’t close with anyone or didn’t have a lot of friends, was lowkey bullied some years but nothing severe. my whole life i just never had like a place yk? no where outside of my house where i wanted to go and was excited to go to when i was little.

but i remember i went to this day camp, it was early as shit like 8am - 4pm, which is crazy cus my whole life i’ve hated getting up early at all. went there from 1st grade are to 8th grade, id get home tired everyday and would never have issues falling asleep like i normally did when i was little. but i wanted to go to that camp every morning! it was the happiest time of my life. easily. i never was bullied or left out, people there liked me, the counselors actually enjoyed being around me unlike at school or my other camp, they didn’t just never listen to me cus i was a problem kid (undiagnosed mental illness) they would talk and engage with me. the kids there never thought i was weird and included me. i remember one year i was bullied (pretty badly tbh) by one of my friends at the time, i told my ma and it actually stopped. my ma knew their parents and they got in a ton of trouble, the camp even got involved and counselors were checking in on me after hearing what happened asking if i was ok. there was never like a “cool kids” group we all just chilled yk? hung out played dumb games. the camp was pretty shitty tbh, like it wasn’t very big, and kinda cheap but it was fun cus we were stupid little kids and didn’t need it to be super big or whatever.

i remember i took the bus there cus they had different buses and it was the coolest thing ever for me. i never got to take a school bus before and i was now taking one, one of the counselors that was on it had a speaker and would always play music. there were other kids on the bus who actually enjoyed talking with me about stuff. every memory i have from that camp (besides the time i fell off their cheap dock, banged my head and had to get stitches but even that was better then school for me) is positive.

i keep thinking about my time at camp and my stomach hurts cus i wanna go back 😭😭. anyways thanks for reading ig?? shout out to the void of tumblr frfr

[lahotelbellamuerte]

𝐎𝐧𝐥𝐲 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐘𝐨𝐮 - iii. please [お願いします]

— ❀ series masterlist ❀ — I love you [愛し��ます] — ❀

pairing: han x amara!oc warnings: language, fluff, angst, eventual smut, unprotected sex, piv, f!oral, errr not proofread word count: 9k notes: idk, again follows the movie, tried to add something new.

IT WAS ONE TO KNOW HOW TO DRIVE, AND ANOTHER TO RACE. It all was all about the feeling you got when doing either. For everyday drivers, they got into a car because they needed to get somewhere. Places that they knew every day. For racers, they felt the car. They knew every sound the machine should make. Feel the rumble as the engine sparks to life. The screeching of tires when they turned. The smell the car would give off after moments of it being on. The mindless thinking of shifting from gear to gear. For a racer being in a car was an extension of oneself.

Driving for racers felt empty, calm, a brake from the constant adrenaline to precise attention to a moving machine on four wheels.

Amara had grown up in Japan and knew nothing more than the small country. The bright-lit cities, along with the dungy streets with constant bikers everywhere. The overcrowded trains to get places. The hundred of people in the streets that cross at once. Then she got to know the racing world.

Her father had always insinuated there was more to Japan than what the eye could see. Never would she have thought that it meant modified cars that drove at speeds she couldn't imagine.

It all really started when she became friends with Neela Ezar. The girl who would accidentally get her into the world beyond racing. The side where people could be owned, the world that was run by a single man and his posse.

The two were always singled out due to how different they looked compared to everyone else around. Amara with her shiny gold hair that could be spotted miles away in the sea of black and brown hair. Her innocent look on her face with her always rosy cheeks.

But the blonde was far from innocent, she talked back when people gave her or Neela shit. Not caring if she was sent to detention, suspended, or in trouble. The girl always found it growing up. It took a while for everyone to realize that. Until one day it stopped, they became afraid of her rather than seeing her as a target.

In a way, it was Takashi that did her that favor. The boy had spotted her alone once and thought himself brave enough to talk to her. But the darling blonde wasn't having any of it. She wasn't going to let some boy rule her life because he thought himself king.

The people that were there for the race between the two had been lucky. Neither of the two was experienced, they drove shitty cars for a few blocks. It was lucky that she had passed him when she did. Because that day she had bought herself freedom.

Rather than be salty about the loss, the two became friends. Or as much as they could be either way. They had reluctantly become closer due to their connecting factor of Takashi and his family. A relationship that was more toxic than Amara and the color green.

And one holy day came where a stranger sat in her unassigned seat at her favorite ramen place.

"You're sitting in my seat," the voice of Amara spoke to the stranger.

The man with long hair looked up to see a blonde teenager, "Oh, am I?" he asked curiously, he looked her over. She wore a white collar crop top with some low-waisted pants with little cherries on the pockets.

Her face was innocent, cheeks rosy, glossy lips, everything sweet like the Powerpuff girls. He watched her plop into the seat next to him, digging into her bowl of noodles.

He rose an eyebrow and looked around the restaurant, barely anyone else was around and she decided to sit next to him. All he wanted was peace of mind after the rollercoaster of events that ran his life. Wanting to forget at least for a while, the pain he’d endured.

He wondered if she spoke English so he tried his luck, "You know there are many seats that are untaken," he told her as she ate her noodles.

Slurping up the last one of her chopsticks she turned to him, "Yeah, well that was my seat since it's my favorite," she started, “And since you’re in it, I’ll settle for the second best.”

Han couldn't help but smile at the girl who was very brave to sit next to a stranger, nonetheless a man, "I'm Han he introduced," sticking his hand out for a greeting.

The blonde turns to him and smiles brightly, "Amara," she returned and placed her hand in his shaking it, "I could tell we're going to be good friends."

And right she was. Han took a risk and gave her his number in hopes that a native of Japan would show him around. And who else to show him around, then a beauty like Amara. He didn't know the girl would be so informed. It's like she knew about everything. The history behind a certain building, the current events, the best restaurants and so much more.

When she let him know about the underground he couldn't believe his ears that she was the one letting him know. He would've struggled if it weren't for Amara's kindness. The girl was far from shy, and boy was he thankful for it.

He found it funny the day she broke into his home asking him for help. Thinking she was in danger, he was ready to go and find whoever was troubling her. But when she told him she wanted to know how to race he laughed. He genuinely laughed. The tiny little teenage girl wanted to race.

Without hesitation, he taught her all he knew. There was something about her that called to him. May it be her crudeness to everything or her sweet angel face. But he helped her as much as she helped him. Amara had become a friend, partner, student, and teacher in some sense. She kept him young and he loved that. Helped lessen his old smoking habits by always handing him something to snack on. Something she noticed along the way.

When he got reports on a teenage girl winning races. He could only smile and nod. The girl was slowly receiving the reputation of a racer. Alongside her old friend Takashi, who had also been practicing. It wasn't long before the two became the reigning king and queen in drifting.

Han noticed as the years went by how much Amara grew. He felt sick the first time he saw her as attractive. He had been older than her by many years. He didn't want to be seen as some creep. But it seemed that it wasn't only him that felt this way. His darling blonde returned the feeling.

He never thought the day would come that he would move on from Giselle. The woman who had captured his heart. The woman with who he had made plans with to come to Tokyo. Yet here he was falling for a girl years younger than he was in the same city. The day finally came when he added a picture in his car removing the last piece of his old life.

Giselle may have been gone, but he would never forget where he came from. Just as Amara helped him become the person he is now. He was ready to move on, and he just hoped wherever Giselle was, she approved of Amara.

Amara was in an oversized shirt with denim shorts underneath, a pair of black Chuck Taylor’s on her feet. She was putting new seat covers on her car. Bending over to try and get the new cover as snug on the seat as she could.

"Amara," Han called out, standing near the door of the car.

The blonde got up from her position, backing up and bumping into the man, "Oh, sorry," she apologized, her cheeks becoming pinker from the accident.

The man smiled at her reaction, "It's fine, but can I ask you something?" he began, getting a little nervous for rejection. Especially from a girl so young.

She tucked her hands in her back pockets and nodded, rocking back and forth on her feet.

"I don’t know if you want to but I'd like to take you out sometime," He offered her, his eyes settled on her, sweat beginning to stick the longer the silence.

Amara's eyes widened at his question, "Han, I-I would love to," she replied sheepishly, blushing more at the situation.

Han sighed, "Don't start getting shy on me now," he told her moving his hand to lift her chin to look at her brown eyes.

The date with Han was everything and more. He had taken her out for a drive on a sunny day to the more rural sides of Japan. She loved the wind in her hair as they passed the towering mountains. Her voice telling him off all the times she, Neela and Takashi would skip school just to come and race through the curving roads.

He smiled to himself as listened to her carefree laughs and stories. She waved her chipped manicure hands out the window. Turning to look at Han driving.

"What are you doing?" He asked her not taking his eyes off the curving road.

Not taking her eyes off his side profile, "Enjoying the view," she simply replied, reaching forward to tuck his hair behind her ear.

Han chuckled, "Didn't peg you as the flirty type," he told her.

"Only for you," Amara replied with a smile, leaning forward to kiss him on the cheek. Earning a wide grin from Han who continued looking forward.

Their destination had been a secluded beach that Han knew no one else would be at. Grabbing the large basket in the trunk, he pulled the blonde's hand as he walked on the soft sand.

"The beach?" she asked as they made it far enough to where he saw a pit of fire already made.

He nodded, "I hope that's okay."

"Okay? Please you'd be the first boyfriend that ever did anything remotely like this," she replied with a snort, helping him put out the blankets on the sand. Removing their shoes the two shared a nice sushi dinner. Amara's second favorite food, ramen being first. But soup and beaches don't really go together so something small was perfect.

After their dinner, Han laid down with an arm under his head while his other wrapped around Amara. Her hands ran over his chest soothingly. It was calm as it should be. He then turned his body to face her head.

The two had a hushed conversation for hours, watching the sky change color. The sun was setting soon and it was shown in the way the sky was orange. The sparse clouds moved slowly across the sky. It couldn't have been a more perfect day.

The two looked into each other eyes, months of longing in both of them. Feelings that were never spoken. Finally coming out in the open.

Han looked into her eyes, then moved down to her lips, "Can I kiss you?" he asked suddenly, feeling the urge to kiss her pretty pink glossy lips.

"Please," she whispered and looked at his lips, and leaned in.

Closing the gap, Han moved his hand to her face, softly gripping it as he kissed her softly. Her lips were as soft and sweet as he imagined. They were perfect, loving, passionate, trusting, and delicious. Amara tasted like heaven and he never wanted to let go.

Amara moved her body, her knees around his hips as she sat on him. Deepening the kiss, their lips moved roughly against each other. His hands wandered from her head of soft blonde hair to her waist, to her hips, and subtly to the round of her ass. With a sense of bravery, he softly squeezed on the soft flesh. Resulting in Amara moaning in his mouth as they made out.

The blonde pulled away her eyes pleading. She wanted more, the area between her legs began to ache. Wanting relief as she sat on him.

"Han, please," she whispered on his lips, her hips beginning to softly rock against his. Beginning to make this harder on the man. Just as his pants began to feel slightly tighter.

Han flipped them over his arms beside her face. Looking down at her, hair framing his face, he could see her flushed cheeks along with her slightly swollen lips. She looked exquisite. Blonde hair draped around her like a halo, her pupils dilated as she looked at him.

On a first date, Han would never make love to his partner. It should take more than a few dates. To build up the tension, passion, and want for it. Yet here he was wanting nothing more than to give Amara what she wanted. He wanted to give it to her, but he was afraid to hurt her. What if it didn't work out, and the whole situation is awkward. They'd never speak again and Han didn't want that. Amara was a brilliant mind that he needed her on his side. Despite her youth, she showed her age when it came to business. He guessed he had her father to thank. The man had taught her more than he should've.

"Han, please," she said again, her hands gripping his face.

He gave her a worried look, "Don't you think it's too soon? This could hurt our relationship," he tried to reason with her, but his resolve was becoming thin.

Amara looked into his eyes, "Tell me you don't want this as much as I do. And I'll respect your wishes," she told him, moving her hands to his chest.

Han closed his eyes and signed. He wanted nothing more, "I don't want to hurt you," he said sincerely.

She pulled his face down to hers, for a soft kiss, "You won't, I trust you, Han," she assured him.

So Han trusted her words and his. Leaning back down to capture her lips in a kiss. This time it was more intense than the last. There was fire, need, passion. Everything the two could've wanted.

Amara ran her hands from his hair to his neck the arms. All the soft movement left goosebumps on his tanned skin. As she moved to his chest, she slipped her hand underneath the hem of his simple t-shirt. Her hands wanting to touch every piece of his skin. Leaving nothing unventured.

The feeling of her hands caused him to buck his hips into hers. Resulting in the girl moaning into his mouth. Pausing his moments he moved his hands to the hem of her shirt lifting it. Breaking the kiss apart the shirt was thrown to the side. Just to leave Amara in a baby pink bra.

Han smiles at the sight of it, after removing his shirt, he moved his mouth to leave wet kisses on her neck, slightly sucking on the soft pale skin. Moving lower he gently kissed the plump skin of her breasts. Pausing as his hand reached behind her back.

"May I?" he asked looking into her eyes. The girl nodded but he shook his head, "No princess, I need to hear it from you."

Amara bit her lip and nodded, "Yes, please," she breathed out shakily. She was nervous, her past boyfriends didn't go as softly as Han was. They cared more about it happening than taking the moment in.

"Good girl," he mumbled and unclasped her bra from behind. Letting the straps fall down her arms, removing it completely, and setting it aside.

She blushed as he looked at her, looking away from his eyes. As he looked up and noticed, he moved her face to look at him. Kissing her softly he shook his head, "No need to feel shy, you're beautiful," he told her as he leaned in to kiss her once more.

The sensation of her skin against his made it all the more arousing. Especially with the noises she made against his mouth. All from the slight stimulation of her nipples rubbing against his chest. Wrapping her legs around his hips in hopes to relieve the pressure between her legs.

"In time darling," he whispered against her throat, moving his mouth lower. Until his lips met the erect nipple at the center of her left breast. Delicately he suckled over it, listening to the sweet noises his partner made. The gentle tug of his hair from her hands drove him wild. Removing himself from her breast he blew cold air on it, bringing a new sensation to her.

He move moved his head to look at her slightly. Just to see her staring at him as he worshiped her body. Smiling he dipped his head back her her other nipple, giving it the same attention as the other. His hands brushed against her soft skin. Rubbing over the hard studs, as she let out shaky breaths as he repeatedly did it.

Moving lower to kiss her stomach, he reached the hem of her jeans. He looked up at her eyes asking for permission. As she nodded he smiled and placed a sweet kiss on her hip. His fingers moved to unbutton her jeans, moving the zipper down. Hooking his fingers at the belt loop on her hips, pulling he exposed the baby pink underwear underneath.

He couldn't help but groan, something about her wearing such a girlish color, made his insides revolt. The girl looked at the man near the place she needed him most. This was it, there was no going back. Not that she ever wanted to, she trusted Han.

The way his large hands held her hips made her head spin. When he slowly moved the soft cloth down her legs, not without maintaining eye contact. Watching her reactions to every movement he made on her scorching skin. Throwing the pink garment off to the side, he clicked his tongue when she tried closing her legs.

“Uh uh, princess keep ‘em opened,” he mumbled, prying her thighs apart as held them from the underside. He eyes trained to her pretty brown eyes, looking down at his actions.

Amara couldn’t help but release a moan, as he gave a painfully slow lick through her folds. Hips bucking up to get any more friction, but his hold on her thigh, ad hip strong. Making her squirm and squeal with slow licks and suckles.

A louder moan ripped from her throat when she felt his tongue enter her very much pulsing hole. The nasty sound of smacking reaching her ears, hands moving to pull and grip his hear, “Hahh…n..” She cried as his he continued pushing his tongue in and out of her cunt.

He pulled off for a second just to smile at the distraught girl on his hands. He licked his lips braking a thing string that connected his tongue back to her wet lips. Leaning back down to close his lips softly around her clit. Switching from licking at the bud, to hallowing his cheeks to suck, but continuing to push his tongue down into her hold. Moaning to find how much wetter it has gotten since he’s been playing with her clit.

He continued to lap around slowly, driving her more insane, as she called his name over and over. Feeling her clench around his tongue, keeping it warm and that was all he could taste.

“I’m gonna cum,” she squeaked after minutes of torture from his end. But the high she was chasing never came.

Amara gasped as he pulled away, “Mnnm…wha-why?” She whined.

He climbed back up to capture her mouth into another kiss. Letting her taste herself in the hot messy kiss. The rough texture of his jeans grinding against her clit, made her whimper.

"What is it princess?" he mumbled nipping at her jaw softly.

Amara gripped his hair to make him face her, “Fuck me, please,” she told him moving her smaller hand to tug at his jeans.

Han smirked and nodded, "Okay," he told her, as he felt her unbutton his pants.

Soon enough he removed his pants and briefs, leaving the two bare. Before they continue Han paused to look at Amara with worry.

"What?" she asked desperately wanting to get rid of flittering pressure in her stomach.

"I didn't expect this night to go like this, so I don't have a condom," he told her.

Amara rolled her eyes and kissed him, "Han I've been on birth control since I was thirteen," she told him.

He rose an eyebrow at the words, "Just fuck me," she said breaking him out of his thoughts.

The man chuckled and nodded, "Your wish is my command," he joked, moving his hand between her thighs. The girl jumped at the feeling of his fingers. Once more he spent a couple a seconds plunging in and out, watching her face contort deeper into pleasure.

But he had put enough of his own pleasure aside, “Fuck, Am, if I knew you felt like this…” he didn’t finish his sentence as he pushed himself slowly into her.

Amara bit her lip moaning and hid her face onto his neck, leaving open wet mouth kisses on it. It had been ages since she had an intimate moment with anyone. But they were never this loving and soft…for the most part. They were always her age too, Han being much older had to mean more experienced.

His hips moved slowly, as he his hands moved hers away from his neck. Taking one of his to pin hers above her head, hips beginning to snap faster and harder by the second.

“So…perfect…” he groans between each snap of hips, eyes mesmorized from the bouncing of her tits from his thrusts, “Just for me, right princess?” He mumbled leaning down to nip at her collar bone.

The blonde couldn’t say much, “Hmmm…” she sighed, legs wrapping around his torso in hopes of pushing him deeper in her walls.

In his pattern he couldn’t help but stare at Amara’s fucked out face. Mouth slightly open releasing small moans. Who would’ve thought, that he lucked out, but then his thoughts spiraled. He couldn’t help it really, sitting up he unwrapped her ankles from his back. Moving them to her shoulders, this new position allowing him to somehow reach deeper and harder. His tip snug against her tight walls repeatedly hitting her cervix.

The sensation causing Amara to curl her toes, the tight coil in her lower abdomen becoming hotter as he continued to pound against her hips. His lips leaving kisses on her calves, “So good for me, princess…so good,” he grumbled out. He looks down to the base of his cock, a slight cream ring around it, each time he plunged deep into her cunt. Beads of sweat slicking both of their skin.

Han leaned down hands on either side of her head, basically folding her im half as his cock continued to slam against her soft skin. Eyes locked on Amara’s teary ones who gripped the blanket she lay on.

It wasn’t until her hot walls pulsed around him that he knew she was cumming. Cries and moans got louder, along with her suffocating his cock, “Fuuck~” she moaned squeezing her eyes shut.

But Han didn’t stop he couldn’t, it felt so good against him. He couldn’t remember the last time he fucked like he just now. His thrust became more erratic as Amara’s orgasm got carried out.

She cried as she felt his hand move to run his hand over her clit. The overstimulation causing her to squirm in his hold. Moving his thumb in small tight circles, he felt his cock be squeezed by her wet, warm, walls. Over and over, leading him closer to his much needed release.

"Han," she moaned her eyes shut tightly, as she gripped his wrist. But he didn’t stop, loving the feeling of the inconsistency of her clenching around him.

Amara’s legs began to shake around his shoulders, feeling that same tight feeling again coming closer.

"Look at me," he said to her as hovered over his head.

He dangled above her, pulling his face to her as he began moving in and out of her. Wanting nothing but to please her. The sounds coming from her mouth and the feeling of her hands scratching back confirmed it. Feeling more confident, the man thrust into her faster, his eyes always on hers.

Tucking his head in her neck, Amara dug her fingernails onto his back as he moved against her. Their skin glistened from sweat as the grunts from Han and whines from Amara floated in the air.

Han thanked the gods he decided to pick an isolated beach to spend the night with Amara. Obviously, he didn't plan on this happening on the first date. Never would he do that on any first date. Yet here he was sharing a night of intimacy with the very girl he had met a couple of years ago. The girl he taught to race.

Coming closer to his climax, he felt the sensation of Amara gripping him tighter, "I'm close," she told him.

He nodded into her neck, "Me too, me too," he mumbled nipping at her salty skin, then planting a wet kiss on her mouth. His thrust became sloppy until he stopped and felt the familiar pit in his stomach. Pulling back on the kiss he groaned as he released his hot load inside her. Just a moment later she too reached her climax for the second time.

Pulling out he lay beside her on the blanket. Reaching into the basket he grabbed another blanket he brought for the colder night. He did know they would spend the night, just not screwing that night.

"You okay?" he asked a little breathless after the events that occurred.

The blonde turned to her side to look at him, "I'm perfect, thank you, Han," she replied leaning to kiss his cheek softly.

The two silently lay on their back watching the sky become darker. That was until Han chuckled out of nowhere.

Amara turned her head to look at him rubbing his eyes with his hands, "Why're you laughing?" she asked amused at his random break of laughter.

"I didn't plan on this happening tonight," he started facing his head to her, "I really did just want us to have a nice night by the beach."

The blonde blushed looking away, knowing it was her doing that caused the night of romance to happen, "Sorry," she mumbled.

Hand shook his hand and brought her into a hug, kissing the top of her head, "No don't be, it takes two, to tango," he joked.

The couple eventually put on their undergarments and ran around the sand like love-struck teenagers. Even having a dip at the cold ocean water that was nearby. To end the night being near the fire pit he had made before arriving. The large fire kept the two warm as they danced to no music in the night. Even talking about cars, which he loved he could do with her. Something, not every woman liked to do.

That was a beginning of a secret, not-so-secret relationship between them. Han was always seen around beautiful women at races, but never once did he kiss any of them. Never giving them the time of his life. People saw the way he looked at Amara at races.

The schoolgirl with racing skills for days, one that was never seen dating another boy. The rumor was she was either a lesbian or she was seeing someone in secret. Some said maybe it was Han, but no one ever had enough proof to see it happen.

The man never touched her affectionately to mean more than just friends. It was always simple hugs that never lasted. People always saw them speaking about cars and races. Never did they see her push herself onto him.

It was shocking when they saw the 97 Mazda be driven by Han, rather than the princess who had won it. Everyone knew that he had given the princess the blue Skyline she drove everywhere. But it wasn't anything new, anytime the princess wanted something she got it. Be it from Han or Takashi and others. She was good at sweet-talking her way for things.

There were small rumors that some saw Han and Amara hold hands before, and that not might be much. But for something that has been flying through the underground for some time it was something.

The lights continued to blur, as Sean drove down the high ways of Tokyo. But suddenly his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. If racing Takashi wasn’t all that important, why was he letting him do it?

"Then why are you letting me race?" Sean asked his older friend, briefly looking over to the couple.

Han chuckled, "'Cause you're DK's kryptonite,” he paused to look ahead, then back at Sean, “And you owe me a car."

That made Amara giggle at his last words, making her boyfriend smile. Suddenly behind her, a car zoomed past them, making Amara smirk, "Go get them, cowboy."

Wrapping around Han's neck as he tightened his hold on her waist, as Sean activated the NOS. The three were pulled back by the speed. Easily he passed the car from earlier. A smile on Sean's face as he did so, already loving the feeling of speed.

Then his eyes caught on something and cursed, "Oh shit."

Guessing by his reputation back home it was the police, "Police cars here are only factory-tuned. You can do better than 180k," he informed Sean when he saw they didn't go after him.

"They can't catch you, so why to try?" she added with a smile.

Sean laughed, "You know what? I'm beginning to like this country already."

Amara smiled at Han as she looked back at Sean, "Good to know you'll be staying to know my name."

The rest of the ride was short and soon enough, they pulled up to Han's club. Opening the door, he helped Amara out of the car as he stepped out after her.

He watched as the blonde strut her way easily waving at Danny by the door, "Bye Danny," she said winking at him.

The girl easily moved through the sea of people who greeted her and Han who wasn't too far behind. As she entered the room full of ladies. They all cheered as they saw her.

"Ami!" some screamed hugging the girl they knew all too well.

The blonde waved at them, "Hi ladies," then spotted Twinkie.

"Twinkie!" she yelled over the crowd and danced her way to her friend.

The dark-skinned boy smiled at his friend, "Amara!" he greeted dancing with bumping their hips together, he then spotted Sean, "Hey I'm going to head to our boy."

Amara nodded and headed to the bar, "Give something fruity today," she said leaning over the bar.

The man smiled, "Good to see you around here Miss Amara," he told her as he made her a passion fruit martini.

She tapped the bar, "Han's tab!" she yelled and took her drink to the other room. Sipping her drink as she opened the door and saw Han and Sean already there.

Han saw her coming through the door, "There you are," he said wrapping his arm around her shoulders.

The girl turned and kissed him quickly, letting him taste the drink on her lips, "I was getting a drink," she said sipping her drink while going upstairs.

His eyes traveled to her ass, where her jeans had the glittery cherry on them. He was a man after all, he couldn’t help but stare at something he could call his. Joining her at the top of the stairs he pulled her closer by her hips.

"The red Evo's yours," Han said from above looking down at Sean, who was in astonishment at all his surroundings.

Sean turned to give him a look, especially with him giving him something that he destroyed before, "What do you mean?"

Amara leaned on the railing taking another sip of her drink, "You're repping now Sean, you can't be seen driving a Hyundai."

Turning to Han she smiled at him, "Office?"

The man pulled her by the waist and kissed her, making it official that the two were together, “You're insatiable,” he mumbled on her lips, tasting the passion fruit.

Amara smiled and winked at him, pulling back to take another sip of her drink, “You have no idea,” she replied completely pulling away from him and heading to his office.

With Han having a stupid smile, trailing behind.

While Han had the luxury of no longer being a student, he didn’t have to deal with Sean’s constant nagging about learning to drift. It was all the blonde could hear any time she was in the line sight of the American teen.

She couldn’t even eat in peace without the boy, talking her ear off about anything related to cars. Twinkie would just have an amused grin the entire time, knowing that she was close to punch him in the jaw. But being the nice girl she was, Amara listened to his questions. And even answered a few without thinking.

The days when she wanted to do with cars, she and Neela would sit away from the boys and talk about their personal lives. All the gossip around the school, and even just sitting in silence finishing their school work.

But nothing stopped Sean from being the annoying boy, because Amara was able to talk her way through Han. Convincing him to teach the teen, just like he had once done for her. Soon enough, the group was settling at the docks to begin Sean’s lessons. To say the least…he wasn’t getting a grip on it all the easy.

Each time he crashed or slid, he grew more frustrated. Not understanding how Takashi and the others were able to do this without thinking.

While the screeching and constant yelling, Amara sat perched on Han’s lap. Sunglasses on the bridge of her nose, as she typed away on her laptop. Not paying attention for most of Sean’s commotion.

Not realizing how she mumbled to herself as she typed, forgetting she was close to Han in the first place. His hand rubbing circles on her hips as he watched Sean’s attempt.

"My mother who's blind in one eye and she can drift better than that," Earl called as he saw Sean crash for the hundredth time, the teen hitting the steering wheel out of irritation.

The blonde who wasn't paying attention lifted her head, "What?" she asked Han, hoping to get what Earl had said.

The man shook his head, "Nothing, princess go back to work," he said patting her thigh.

The girl nodded and continued to type away in her computer. Now and then taking a break to look up at Sean’s progress. Each time to be disappointed when he crashed onto more crates around the area.

She then paused her typing to close her lap top, “As much as I would love to stay here and watch Sean be a failure,” she started looking back at the Evo continue to screech, “I have to get going,” she said getting up and leaning down to give him kiss which he eagerly reciprocated.

The girl walked out and quickly got into her car and left the crew to watch Sean continue failing. Arriving home, she parked the car and headed into her room. Now as she was left in complete silence, she finished all her work quickly. Eventually to take the longest shower she could. Scrubbing every part of her body as she sang along with the music she played.

Finishing up her shower, she made her way to her room, and began getting dressing in warm baggy clothes. Drying her hair with her towel, her phone rang caught her attention. Picking it up she clicked the answer button, "Hello?"

"It's Han, just checking if you're alright," his voice spoke over the phone, a little worried for the his girlfriend.

The girl hummed and smiled at the sentiment, "I'm alright, I just had a bunch of work to finish," she replied putting him on speaker as she continued to dry her hair, “Anyways, where are you?”

“We just finished up with Sean, so I’m driving back to the club," he told her as he was indeed driving, his eyes drifting to the surrounds traffic.

Amara hummed, "Can you come to my house?" she asked him, hoping that he would.

He was silent for a moment before he sighed, "Yeah, I'll be there soon," he said then hung up the phone.

It wasn't even ten minutes when she heard the doorbell ring. Running from her room she headed towards the front door. Opening it was her boyfriend with his hands tucked in his pants.

The girl threw herself onto him and kissed him deeply. The man does not hesitate to return the kiss. Pulling away eventually he looked down at her, "Are you okay? Why do you want me here?”

She cupped his face in her hands and smiled softly, “I always want you here," she replied holding his face in her hands.

He chuckled, "In front of your house?” he asked her, raising a brow.

The girl shook her head, "No, not that. I'm just worried about the business you're involved in and I don’t a day where you won’t be able to be here,” she paused to look into his eyes, “With me.”

Han frowned at her words, "Hey, I'm not going anywhere," he told her kissing her softly, then pulling her into a tight hug. Placing his head on top of hers, he closed his eyes remembering the moment. Never in his life did he think he would matter this much to anyone. But now that he had her in his arms, he didn’t want to let go. He knew that no business could come between them, ever since they met, he knew that Amara loved with all her heart.

"Can you stay the night?" she mumbled into his chest as she hugged his torso.

"Only for you," he told her, as he followed her into her home. Closing the front door.

As they got to her room he removed his shoes and laid on her bed. Amara joined soon after, her head on his chest as her leg hugged his body.

The two soft in conversations, about nothing and everything. Han smiled at the sight of their hands intertwined, “How’s school,” he then asked in a moment of silence.

He smiled when the girl groaned and shoved her face deeper into his chest, “Its fine, but I would’ve been done if it hadn’t been for my stupidity,” she mumbled eyes now focusing on playing with her boyfriend’s fingers.

He rubbed small circles on her hand, “Hey you’re not stupid, you just had a little too much fun at the underground, but look at you know,” he paused to poke her stomach, the result making her giggle, “You’re back on track now, smartest girl I know,” he said leaning down to kiss her forehead.

Amara smiled up at him, “You are too good to me Han Seoul-Oh,” she said kissing his chest.

Han hugged her tight and kissed her head again, “And it’s only for you, my love,” he mumbled releasing her form his tight hold.

After a moment of silence when he didn’t hear anything, he looked down to see the blonde fast asleep. Hand resting on his chest as she snuggled closer to him. He smiled at the sight and brought his hand over hers, and joined her in dream land.

It wasn’t much later when Ryder had returned from work and noticed the orange Mazda parked beside his daughters. He could only assumed it belonged to Han. Twinkie drove his hideous Hulk car, and Takashi and Neela always had some sort of silver going on. And the new boy in town wouldn’t be driving such an expensive piece without it looking wrecked.

Parking his motorbike, he shook his head. He trusted Amara to not make him a grandfather anytime soon, but she was still young. But he also knew that Han was the one, when he was willing to take the blame when they were much younger.

The two men never spoke as their jobs were so different, but he knew Han liked his daughter enough to put himself in danger for her. And for that, he would be forever grateful. Being a better partner than he was in his youth.

Walking into his home, he made his way towards Amara's room. Lightly knocking on the door in case they were doing something he didn't want to see. Pushing the door open, he saw Han and Amara soundly asleep.

Smiling to himself, he closed the door softly, not wanting to disturb their peace.

The following morning all she could do was slam her hand on her alarm. She wanted nothing but stay in bed all day with the man she loved. As she sighed and made her way out of the bed. Han shuffled around, until she threw a blanket over him.

Walking over to her closet, she pulled a new set of uniform on her desk chair. Taking off her larger clothes, and settling into her cold uniform. Zipping her skirt, and fixing her collar over the vest.

She then reached for a brush from her desk, and brushed out any knots that were created over night. Walking to drawers in her closet, she grabbed a set of socks, slipping them on, her shoes following after.

As much as Han wanted to ignore the soft noises coming from Amara, he couldn’t. He missed the warmth she provided from being beside him. Pulling the blanket a little closer to himself, his eyes peeled open. His sight on the blonde girl who was putting on mascara.

He knew the girl hated wearing make-up to school, she said it was a waste of time. The only times she did was race days, or going out with her friends or himself. He appreciated she wanted to look pretty for him, but he could careless. He’s seen her with nothing and everything.

Han smiled at the sight, “You look good in that uniform," he rasped, his sleepy voice broke the silence in the room.

Amara turned around and saw him watching her with eyes barely open, "Go to sleep," she told him, walking over and pecking his lips, before she went he pulled her closer for a much longer kiss.

Eventually she pulled away and leaned back to peck him, “Alright Casanova, I have to go,” she whispered and pecked his lips one more time, “I’ll see you later,” she mumbled and got up, grabbed her bag and closed the door.

Out of habit after being far enough from her room, she yelled out, "Bye pops!" and then spotted and cringed as she now realized he knew Han spent the night. The bright orange car parked out couldn’t lie. Not wanting to talk about it that moment, she rushed out the door and ran towards the trains. She didn’t want to have that talk with Ryder O’Conner just yet.

After a short ride on the train, she arrived at school, and spotted her friend, “Neela!” She called after the shorter girl.

The girl smiled her dimples showing at the sight of the blonde, “Amara, word has flown that you and Han have gone public,” she teased shoving her elbow into her ribs.

Amara rolled her eyes, but blushed nonetheless, “That is not what I want to talk about,” she paused to look over at friend seriously, “Are you okay after yesterday? Sean looked like he pissed you off. I could punch him if you want.”

Neela sighed but shook her head, “I’m alright more or less, Sean’s just a bit of an asshole sometimes,” she replied biting her lip at the memory of her and the American teen.

"You're telling me," Amara scoffed, knowing how much trouble young boys could be. She was just lucky to have one who was already passed that era of his life.

The girls laughed and headed to their first class together, along with the others. Now the two going over the work they had been assigned. But before the two could reach the classroom. It was suddenly a girl grabbed Amara, "Amara, Twinke top floor," she told the blonde.

At the sound of her friend’s name, she loosed her arm from Neela, “Thanks,” she replied and ran up the steps to reach the roof. Hoping that it wasn’t anything severe.

As she jumped to the last step she shoved her way through the crowd, spotting Morimoto fighting Twinkie. The dark skinned teen, not having a single fighting bone in his body. Amara didn’t think twice and dropped her bag, rushing to her friend’s aide. Stepping infront of the shorter boy she glared, “The hell are you thinking Morimoto?” She hissed as she watched him removed his blazer.

The redhead laughed, "Ask your boy that, he gave me a broken iPod," he said spitting his direction, a sinister smile graced on his face.

The blonde placed her hands on his chest pushing him back slightly, "Knowing you, you broke it dumbass," she told him.

His face contorted into annoyance, "Get out of my way, Amara before you join this mess," he threatened and he cocked his head to the side, “And you know what Takashi will say when he hears,” he continued.

Amara laughed this time, "Threatening me? Alright," she said and curled her fist just like her father had taught her, and swung it directly into his nose, hearing a crack, “We both know who Takashi would side with,” she taunted leaning down as he gripped his nose.

Morimoto looked up at her and glared as he grope his nose and realizing it was bleeding, “You bitch!" he screamed.

Before any more damage could be made, Sean came to aide, and pulled the Amara behind him to help Twinkie. With a new distraction, the blonde looked down at her friend, “Are you alright?” she asked him.

The boy nodded, "No blood," he assured her causing her to nod.

"Here try not to break this one," Sean said hate handing him a new iPod, which he knew was his, but he needed to keep the hostile-ness to a low.

The redhead glared at the three and took the new iPod. Spitting on the ground and leaving with the reset of his group.

Twinkie ran a hand over his head, knowing this was bad for him, "Say, man! What the hell is wrong with you, huh? Now everybody's gonna want exchanges around here," Twinkie said not happy with what Sean did.

Amara scoffed, “Hey Twinkie, we saved you ass from being beaten up," she told her friend also pushing him, grabbing her bag, she passed Neela who motioned her to go ahead. Nodding she went downstairs.

The day went on normally for Amara, beside the fight from earlier. She participated in school, got high marks, and the same feeling of accomplishment as when she was young surged. She didn’t know why but she loved the stares of jealousy pointed at her. How does she even have time to do all her work? Isn’t she always clubbing and shit? All the whispered all wondering how in fact she was succeeding school, when all they ever heard was her rendezvous around Tokyo.

But the day came to an end, but before she could go home and do nothing. Twinkie stopped her, “Amara hey,” he called grabbing onto her forearm as she headed to the trains.

The blonde turned to look at him, crossing her arms, “Yes Twinkie? Come to yell at me more?” She asked raising a brow.

He sighed looking around as the other students headed out form the school, “Look, I’m sorry about my reaction okay? Just Morimoto made me mad, and Sean giving him his iPod didn’t make it all that better,” he paused to put a hand on her shoulder, “I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”

Amara cocked her head and said nothing for a while. Really looking into his eyes if he was sincere about his apology. When she saw no inconsistency, she nodded, “I forgive you,” she said and watched his smile grow, “But,” she paused and watched it fall, “Do anything like that again, and you’ll be the one receiving an ass kicking from me.”

Twinkie just nodded but continued with his smile, “You got it, I also wanted to ask if you wanted to join us for a game of soccer?”

The blonde just smiled and nodded, “Sure thing little man,” she replied putting her hand over his shoulder and walking back towards the trains.

“You have to stop doing that just because I’m shorter,” The dark skinned boy grumbled.

Amara couldn’t help but laugh at his whining, but he never pulled away from her embrace.

Clad in a sports bra and Adidas track pants, she and the boys played on the roof of one of Han’s buildings. A soccer field placed conveniently on top. Dribbling the ball, she was able to maneuver her way around them, until Earl came along and she accidentally tripped him before she scored.

The teenage boy got up, "Foul! You tripped me on purpose," he yelled at her from the floor.

She lifted her hands, "No, no, I scored, you tripped on your own!" she yelled back running around in circles, copying all the professional soccer players, she’s seen on television.

As he got up the two continued to bicker and began fake wrestling in order to win. Then as she grabbed him a head lock, he pat her back, “Han sort your chick out!" he yelled above on the terrace.

"Oh because you can't take it?" Amara teased dropping him to the floor under her grip.

Han looked back at the game and rolled his eyes, "What do I look like a zebra?" he yelled back ignoring their game, but he made a motion for Amara to come up.

The blonde stuck out her tongue to Earl who was still mumbling about a foul. Running up the stairs she walked over to the boy. Noticing his water bottle in hand, she took it and drank from it.

Han gave her a look but didn't stop what he was saying to Sean, "I have money. It's trust and character I need around me. You know, who you choose to be around you lets you know who you are." He told him, "Take Amara here, before you came around these parts, it was her I was teaching."

Amara rolled her eyes but looked over at Sea, "Wasn't only you that crushed cars around here," she told Sean who smiled in disbelief, "Mona? That was my doing before you came and killed her again."

Her boyfriend nodded, "But her mistakes and her endless apologies showed me who she was. And I had the money to fix the car again, I let her try again and again until she got it."

Sean nodded, "Look at all those people down there. They follow the rules, for what? They're letting fear lead them," Han told him facing down to the hundreds of people crossing the street.

Sean looked back at Han, "What happens if they don't?" he asked.

"Life's simple. You make choices and you don't look back," Han said recalling all the choices that have gotten him this far.

"So if you don't drift to win, what do you drift for?" Sean asked now, seeing as winning wasn't everything for Han.

The man looked over to Amara and smirked, "You really want to know?" He asked as she nodded understanding.

"Yeah," he replied as if there was no answer he would rather hear.

"Okay let's go," Han finished and wrapped an arm around Amara as they headed to their cars.

As they were heading out, “You know the street right?” He asked her.

The girl rolled her eyes, “Han, love, obviously,” she replied and walked off to get into her car. Driving away towards the location they had just spoken about.

She paused in the middle and waited. Like the gentleman that her boyfriend was, he didn’t leave her waiting.

The sudden rumble of the car was the first thing she heard. The squealing of the tires and then the bright orange reached her line of sight. She watched as his Mazda circled her Skyline endlessly. Her eyes meeting his with every loop. When he stopped their eyes continued in silent conversation. Leaving Sean to watch the two in awe. He knew Han could drive, but not this well.

Smoke surrounded her car as she smiled at him. She stuck out a hand and motioned him forward. Moving he had his car right by hers. Getting up from her seat, she stuck her body out the window leaning into his, to plant a kiss right on his mouth.

And the admiration quickly died when Sean was forced to witness the kiss between the two. He watched her pull away and look at him in the eye and wink. Getting back in her seat she waved and drove off.

Sean said nothing for a while, “She’s the one you picked?” He scoffed his eyes still wide, “You’re twice her age.”

The older man only smiled, “I didn’t pick her kid, she picked me,” he paused and looked at him and he moved the car to drive, “And she gets anything she wants.”

Sean shook his head with a smile, “You’re whooped.”

Shifting gears to go faster, “Maybe,” was his only reply.

The American laughed at the thought of Han being a lovestruck boy for Amara amused him. There wasn’t that many men that he knew, that were that in love with their partner

[mylandofdarkness]

The Antagonist of My Life. My Mother.

My mother.. played a HUGE role in my life....

Now don't get me wrong.. things are better between me and her now but with my first 22 years of my life. she's given me hell. I never understood it till later that it was simply because Girls get it more rough than boys. Growing up I NEVER saw my mom lay a finger on him for anything. Instead every single thing I did.. where I was simply just a child THAT DOESNT KNOW ANYTHING... gets a bunch of beatings that she's gonna remember for the rest of her life. I remember crying so much, I remember hiding under a table, hovering in a corner while STILL getting slapped and beaten by my mother.. as I have a meltdown, I even locked myself in the bathroom for 20 minutes. My father had no role.. he wasn't able to do anything . So I'm just backed up in a corner getting hit as my father and brother sit on the side and watch. Like that's not traumatizing? for a Mother to stand there and beat and beat and beat her YOUNG child, daughter that is probably around 6-7 years old.. as she is screaming in pain from getting beaten. what kind of a mother does that. Does this child not have feelings?? Is this child suppose to not feel the pain? WHAT is this teaching the child? AS A CHILD... I was convinced she didn't want me to be happy, I was convinced she found pleasure in beating me every week, talking down on me, discouraging me, telling me all the things I liked was stupid.

So years go by.. all that abuse did something to me. it turned me into an easily agitated teenager, (Gee I wonder where I got that from). And I wasn't going to be those kids that commit suicide because of strict parents or being under pressure. So I got tired from my moms physical abuse one day when I was in mid-high school.

Her abusive hits didn't phase me anymore. Her 'discipline' wasn't going to do shit to me anymore. One Day when she raised her hand at me... I didn't cry, I looked at her dead in the eye... and just walked to my room so I didn't have to hear from her for the rest of the night. Another time where she wanted to give me a word (and a hand) I finally spoke up to her, she was hella surprised. My bro and Dad was surprised too . I said my piece, she told me I was making excuses. I told her it wasn't excuse. I wasn't going to easily back down. I wasn't going to give her that satisfaction of ME keeping quiet and crying, and having it end up being a meltdown. I wasn't going to let her be the only crazy one now. She created one... That's on her... And I want her to remember what she started and what she created.

So you see... Because of her I somehow always see the negative in most friendships I make. because I was treated so poorly when I was little, everytime I meet somebody I want to befriend, I would have higher expectations and always oversee a small negative . My mother never taught me how to treat others.. she taught me nothing but pain.

So fast forward to college.. I LIVED AWAY for college.. and it was the greatest 3 years ever. why? cause I was actually away from that toxic household and I was actually able to do what I want on my own. Met lots of cool people, partied, went out, talked to some boys, Figured myself out lots. College was done, I move back.. and yes everything was tense again. Keep in mind I went towards the Media Arts career path.. My mother thought that was a joke. So when it came to finding jobs.... she pestered me LOTS about it and it stressed me out a lot. pressured me into applying for jobs that I didn't find suited for myself. Now yes this is a different stage of my life.. They made me anxious on even finding a job. My mother made me feel like shit. This is where emotional and mental abuse comes in more. and when I finally landed a job at a well known company..

Things switched. I was suddenly the daughter they were proud of o.0 I'm the daughter that works at 'This place' WoW Im the daughter that's going to make a lot of money from this place. ...... That gave my phony vibes. Now that I'm making decent money.. your nice to me?? Now that other companies see my potential, you suddenly see it too?? Nah, you shattered my spirit for 22 years. You've emotionally and mentally brought me down almost everyday for 23 years. I'm not getting my years back.

Because of all this... a part of me resents her for how I ended up as a person. Every moment of hell she gave me, I remember it vividly.

[bpdstevenuniverse]

// TRIGGER WARNING - suicidal thoughts, past suicide attempt and suicide

Perhaps one of the biggest curses that torment me is my severe self blame.

I learned very early on that every bad thing that happens in my life is my fault. My family treating me like shit is my fault. Everyone at school hating and rejecting me is my fault.

When I was sixteen, my dad told me right to my face that I was just a liability. That I was a financial burden. I'm a burden to my family to this day in every single aspect, mainly because I'm mentally ill and I struggle living like a functional human being.

And truly, I feel like I only get in the way. I feel useless. The way my family vents all their feelings to me just fucks with my head. Even if they don't intentionally do it, hearing them go on and on about how tired they are of their lives, of their financial situations, it makes me feel like I'm the cause of their suffering. That I just make everything and everyone's lives difficult. I feel guilty for things that I know aren't my fault and should never be.

I felt guilty for nearly a decade because I believed that my mom almost killed herself because I gave her the medication, except I had had no idea she would try to take her own life with it. But not only that, I feel like I should've taken care of her better, because she was alone in her room, presumably with a migraine, and I just spent the whole day in the computer. That's when my dad arrived, desperate, to take my mom to the hospital while I was helplessly left alone at home, unsure if she would even come back home.

And to this day I blame myself for the girl I first kissed killing herself. Because I knew that she'd tried to die previously, and she told me how lonely she was feeling just a few days before she died. Although I told her that she could count on me, and we unfortunately weren't close yet, I still feel like I should've done more. I feel like I didn't do enough to keep her here. But no, when I got the news, she was already gone.

I just feel like I'm going to fucking ruin things. I'm going to screw things up over and over again. I'm going to hurt people and corrupt them like my parents corrupted me. I really, truly feel like there's no hope for me, because these thoughts simply won't leave my head.

No matter what I do to NOT feel guilty, my mind will instantly grow heavy like a storm, and all I want is to silence it.

[phoenixbleu]

Talk to me

Okay, I'll tell you what happened. I was feeling good, there were no reasons to feel down.

It was just that little glimp of a life of another nation where they train with horses, I saw accidentally on the internet. That is why I think the internet is a fucked up place, because I just wanted to find the new tv series I will watch, I was prepared for humour and dis not want to distract myself. Satan just knew that if he shows me that exact picture and moment, it will hurt me and will drag me down again. But I need to train my brain to stop giving credit to everything. Maybe that is why I keep being tested.

(no, you just need to get out of that place, internet. If a life depends on internet to exist and make the work done and be continued, we are fucked up, we are all tired of that cycle)

So this thing I saw distracted me and made me feel completely useless about my life, I started thinking what am I teaching my son, we are doing nothing, we are constantly surviving. We were about to start to feel connected and then you see, when you are away from nature and natural traditions that we had, you feel that actually you are really missing something. I got depressed., because I started wondering what our lives would be if communism did not take away the horses of my great grandfather, my grandfather has told me a lot about his life with the horses. We would be so much different, we would not think silly things, we would be connected to nature and living in such symbiose, now we have only the memory of it. You cannot do anything here if you don't have a lot of money, parents with a lot of money, or knowing people with power. If you want something and you are not in the people I mentioned, you will work your ass out, you will work 2 jobs to succeed and still you won't, because that is how the system works. Or if you succeed, you are not making enough money, and if you do, they will take everything.

I had hard questions about my life. I just want a life without money, close to nature, not close, merged with nature. I don't want stupid things, I just want to get up and think about how I will care now about the garden, how I will grow food for people, after that walks, after that care for animals, activities outdoors with people, kids, make music, sing and dance. And I wonder how some people succeed in having such a life, they have passed through generations the traditions and the crafts that kept our minds and bodies in balance and shape, when the democracy came, every ability and possibility to live in the countryside was already taken away.

I don't want to put the blame, I don't want to feel like a victim, no, I just feel I have not done enough to get out of this, I had to always work stupid jobs just to survive.

And all that spoiled children that say they cannot 09:00-17:00, I want to beat them, I want to skin them, fuck you motherfuckers. You live in the back of others. Give your money to charity, bitch, what is that makeup for, do you want me to smash your face, what are those nails for, have you ever clean the dirt of the fancy toilet you pee and shit. Do you want me to break your fingers. Fucking spoiled fuckers. From whom you buy your food, from whom you buy your pills, from whom, from whom. And when those people go home tired and depressed they click on seeing or listening to your arts and get wasted, and feel the help, help and hope from the exact people who feel it is a shame to work on a schedule and work like everybody else, you are hypocrites, you are. With what money you think those people pay you.

Yeah I am bitter, next time you see the cleaning woman clean your stairs, thank her, make her feel special. I won't flatter you. I want you to understand that you all are living like parasites.

One day there won't be money, okay. But when that day comes, I know nothing, we are already half computers, half humans, we know only how to work with the electronics, we know nothing of real life. We are absolutely disabled.

I am so fucking depressed, most of us here are feeling the same way, almost all in my age experience the same thing, because we were grown in the same environment, our brains are so much polluted already.

I don't know what I will do or what I can do. I just want to know I am not useless in these times and in the times to come. God keeps telling me that I'm focussing again on small details where the devil is and forget the bigger picture. And it's kind of unfair to feel that way and think that way when there are nations like in Africa who are dying and living in constant misery. It is so unfair the stupid things they show us, how some prosper and how they prosper while on another face of the planet everything is burning. What are you trying to lie to me, Satan. That we need to make our lives prosper. Fuck you, Fuck with prosperity of live. I am waiting for what Christ has said and not wasting my time with stupid regrets.

You know it, but it still hurts living in this reality, living in this contradicted reality on this planet. Reality is twisted through the many perspectives of people. And I know the true reality is that we need to be patient and pray and help whoever we can with hope.

And I'm not fucking useless, Satan. What I am doing is needed, it is needed, it falls into place where it's needed.

And still about the internet, I need to make a decision. What kind of life do we want. What kind of quality? Can I do it? Can I really do it without it? Aren't we cortisol addicts?

Get me out of here, please!

[mypointerfinger]

June 25, 2024, 1:45am

to preface, this will most likely be an on-and-off, up-and-down “blog” (if you can call disjointed thoughts that), so if this were to gather any attention on a whim, don’t look forward to a schedule. this is simply a way for me to rant.

i’m laying in bed and i’m listening to a playlist i set up to really plunge me into being upset. a lot of dreamy and beautiful music that helps me get worked up, cry, and then go to bed. i have work in 5 hours, but i’m always late, so more like 5 and a half hours.

i fucked everything up. honestly, only sometimes i feel like it’s my fault, other times i feel like people are weird, but tonight i just feel lonely. it’s been 4 years since i had a true group of friends i could hang out with in person, and we’re closing in on a couple months from losing my online friends. it’s not even like we grew apart, it was a very sudden removal of me from their lives. currently i have maybe 2 people i would consider true friends, one of them lives in Texas and the other just moved to New Jersey about an hour and a half away. the one in New Jersey i grew up with, but we haven’t spoken regularly in a long time. my friend from Texas is a guy i met online, but truly one of the only people i could ever say i trusted 100%. i wanna say i’ve hung out with him in person 3 times, maybe 4. it’s overwhelming when i say that because that’s basically the only times i’ve hung out with someone in person in the past few years. nowadays he’s pretty busy, he’s doing a lot better societally and monetarily than me as well so we don’t relate as much as we used to. i wish i could say i was as motivated as him but my biggest struggle has always been sloth. working a part time job and still being too tired to go in every day you’re supposed to is pretty impressive, right?

as a note, i’m just making separate paragraphs whenever i feel like my thoughts are getting to a new topic.

i feel like i have something special to offer to the world, but i’ve struggled to figure it out since i was a kid. truth be told, since about age 13 i thought i would grow up and kill myself before i got to college, and when you think like that for most of your conscious life, you don’t exactly plan for what’s gonna happen after you’re supposed to be dead. i take a lot of interest in the area, my grandfather was an architect and my mom owns an art studio so they’ve definitely influenced my hobbies. my problem, however, is analysis paralysis. i enjoy a lot of things but can’t dedicate myself to one of them. and not to be up my own ass, but i think i’m pretty good at making what i make, too. i’ve seen some success making gaming content but like i said, never dedicated myself to it. as soon as it started to pick up i just quit. the success thing doesn’t even matter to me right now, i just want to be loved.

i have it relatively easy. i live with my parents, bills are pretty nonexistent, and i could probably move out in a month if i worked enough and stopped buying stupid shit. and although i have it easy, being alone 99% of my time is fucking killing me dude. i have acquaintances online, just gaming buddies, but they don’t really know me. i want FRIENDS. i want people that really love me and can be brotherly or sisterly around me. i want to meet a girl, someone i can see marrying and having kids with. that’s my biggest fear, never falling in love again. i had a girlfriend before but it didn’t work out, and i don’t wanna talk about it. it makes music hard to listen to. i wanna reate to love songs, songs about heartbreak, but i haven’t felt any sort of feelings for anyone in so long now. i just want somebody i can even have a crush on, but my job is very secluded. i work with 6 or 7 people including my boss and his wife, the people there aren’t exactly people i’d usually associate with. there’s a dude in his 40s, an asian kid that wears clothes too tight and doesn’t shower, a girl that i don’t find attractive but tries to flirt with me, and a gay dude that is super shy. they’re just weird people, and i know this is coming from someone that’s complaining about being lonely, but i want to keep my circle strict. letting anybody in means i’m more susceptible to getting betrayed again. the last group didn’t even tell me why they cut me off, i just got blocked on everything one day with no explanation.

it’s been some of the most painful weeks of my life recently. i’m in my own head most of the time, i don’t have any distraction from myself. even at work, most of my time is spent sitting down waiting for something that needs to be done. i feel uncomfortable in every asset of life. there’s nothing i look forward to, nobody i want to be with, no one i could take on a date, nobody to look up to. the honest to God truth i haven’t taken myself out yet is only because my parents would be devastated. i’m a fuck up on every sense of the saying, and i know they know it, but i don’t want them to know i think that about myself. another one of my biggest fears is my dad’s outlook on his only son. i saw a TikTok about a dad that has a “loser son” and it was framed sarcastically, like the post was definitely supposed to be a funny skit, but it still hurt. i’m the loser. my dad played football, he was in the military, had a promiscuous life in his 20s, and owned his own shop for a few years. when he was my age, he was just buying his first house. i have 500 dollars in my savings account. it shatters me and embarrasses me that my interests are so stereotypically dorky. video games, storytelling, MMA, weird music, and cars. i know that he thinks i’m a fucking loser and it makes me feel like i SHOULD just get it over with and die. although i’ve demystified my parents, i still want to make them proud.

my previous relationship ended over a year ago, and she moved on. i still think about her every day. i don’t know if it’s spite, or anger, or whatever it may be, trying to let it go is hard. i don’t want anything long distance anymore. the last time i saw her was at her college. we hadn’t been able to get any privacy together before that and obviously we wanted to have sex. everything went fine, but both of us were virgins and she said it hurt too much when we tried, so she ended up crying and i had to comfort her while i needed to be comforted myself. the last thing i wanted was to hurt her, and the whole experience put me off of sex entirely. even though i still have a sex drive, i’ve gotten pretty nervous in any physically intimate encounter since then and ended up cutting it short. this Ukrainian girl and i had a little thing last September. i took her on a few dates, we kissed on the 2nd date, and the 3rd date we saw a movie. during the whole movie we were cuddled up with the arm rest pushed back in the back row of the theater. she kept putting my hand under her skirt on her ass and i didn’t wanna be too feely, but she kept putting it there. after the movie when i dropped her off, she told me to pull over a litte early. she wanted a kiss, and i was expecting a peck, but she wanted to full on makeout in my car. i cut it after 10 seconds because i was scared after what happened before. the next time i saw her she told me she just wanted to be friends. i still wonder if it was my fault or if she was using me, but either way it sucks. so who cares?

that was the last date i had. there was another time i met up with a different girl, but she catfished me. she photoshopped all her pictures and used face filters, and when she showed up i wasn’t attracted to her at all. she didn’t even dress up for lunch, just wore ripped black jeans and a dirty cardigan. the only reason i wouldn’t count it as a date is because i was instantly out of date-mode when i saw she lied to me. i was speaking with another girl in February but again, she was photoshopping herself. part of me felt bad that i stopped talking to them because bluntly, they were changing their weight in their pictures, but i can’t just pity date someone. they lied to me, y’know? it bothers me a lot that girls do that so often now. i wish the internet wasn’t so influential on people. that’s a topic for another time, though. i’d like to lay out my basic gripes here before i complain about anything else that’s opinionated. right now, i want this to be purely real life events and not stupid things i have too much time to talk about. anyways, dating is hard. i think i’m a pretty good date, i pay the full first date and i’m honestly not conserved unless she’s really really pretty. it just hasn’t worked out yet. it’s very discouraging, and i actually deleted all my dating apps because it feels wrong. just looking at women like a catalogue and picking my “favorites” for a chance at them. i don’t think the type of woman i want is going to be on a dating app, but then we fall back into my original problems; i don’t know how to meet people and i’m scared of making them run away.

i’ve always felt that some people are meant to be here, and others simply were the wrong sperm. a different sperm was supposed to win that race, but against all odds, that person won. i’m that little sperm that should’ve lost. that feeling plagues me, just constantly thinking i’m not supposed to be here. i’ve had a small amount of sense in me recently, at least enough to check those thoughts temporarily, but they always come back and fuck with me.

(just wrote a sentence along the lines of “i know some of you can relate” as if anybody is gonna read this)

i’m gonna just leave it here. when i inevitably revisit some of these concepts, or notice a typo in this dumb little memoir, i hope i have the self respect to at least cut myself slack. sometimes i just need to let myself vent, and tonight was one of those nights i felt like it’s all my fault.

love, j

[bellevvalencia]

In the meantime, I’ll endure

“To love life, to love it even when you have no stomach for it”—The Thing Is, Ellen Bass

To shut off my brain, last week, I told my boss that I was bored and I needed more work. That’s how bad the constant war in my brain has been lately. I need more distractions because even during the day, it overflows and it almost always hurts my head.

In the meantime, while it overflows and hurts, I endure.

Wouldn’t it be so easy, if people get what they want and lose what they don’t care about? And wouldn’t it be so nice, if people finally get what they deserve, figure out what they need, and find what makes them happy?

We live and die and it sounds so simple but as you grow older you realize that what’s in between is just a lifetime of figuring out what you want to do with your life. It’s alarmingly ironic. A lifetime of figuring out what to make of it? What do you mean the end is not the journey and the journey is not the end? But I have no way of telling what the end is! There’s a good chance that it’s in 50 years, but it could also be tomorrow, so the extremes don’t offer shit. And when you’re turning a year older in a month, and you’re still in the same fucking place with the same fucking things only at a different time... God, I wish I knew what the end is.

In the meantime, I endure.

The sameness is half the truth. A lot of things happen every year. A lot of things have changed. A lot of things have also changed me. They still continuously change me. I don’t talk to half the people I was with every night in the last three years. I don’t speak with my oldest friend anymore. I have new yearnings. I earn a little bit differently. I work a lot differently. I find comfort in things that I would’ve found corny. I hurt about an entirely distinct concept of life and love and being. I don’t think about happiness the same way. I am better, probably. But I am also so devastatingly aware that in comparison, if we’re doing percentages, the growth rate is pretty fucking low.

I rigged the game by ambitiously picking all of the adventures instead of one, and in return, I never get to finish any.

So all in all, when you normalize the curve, I’m still kind of the same. Still a yes girl. Still a drama queen. Still constantly blamed for it. But in the meantime, I endure.

In the meantime, I endure.

My life is not hard to love. I know what I’m missing. I also know what I’m not missing. I wake up everyday thinking about the one million ways to tell the world that I’m okay, I feel okay, and I will always be okay. Because I will never get an apology. Because I will always make the time. Because I will never look for love. Because I will always choose the now. Because I will never leave. Because I will always come back. Because I will never stop giving.

Because I will always, always endure.

Today, my friends found out that I don’t really eat chicken breast. I told them that I liked tuna with hot honey on my toast and Rafa announced it loudly to the room.

Yesterday, I wore a hoodie because I woke up and wanted to die. Frankie kept asking me what happened. I told her that nothing happened.

The day before that, I got a raise. I forced whatever was left of my brain to be happy about it this time. Leo said I could do literally anything. I told him that that was a lie.

The only good thing about becoming a compartmentalized machine is owning the god damn remote control.

Because then, there will be no other reason not to be okay.

So in the meantime, I endure.

Before I turn a year older, I am deciding that I am tired of saying “I’m stupid”. Because I’m not, and it’s becoming a lame excuse at this age. I rarely ever fail. But when I fail - I’m stupid; I fall - I’m stupid. Fuck. I know what’s at stake. I know of the ten million outcomes. I have read and written and heard and felt all of it. I knew what would happen. I knew they would break me. I knew I would probably waste two years of my life. I knew what you did. I knew what it would do to me. I knew the chances. And if the consequences are completely anchored on who and what I am, then trust me, I wouldn’t have.

Sometimes, it just...fails, and I want it so badly not to.

I trusted in it, I believed in it, and I gave it a shot, despite knowing the uneven odds, but it failed, and I wanted it so badly.

It is never about being good enough or smart enough or pretty enough or skinny enough, although a part of my brain is tempted to agree. It’s not about how well you calculated a person coming in and ruining your life for a good amount of time, and it’s not about how proactive you are to leave before he does, because you knew he would. The consequences... I’d say they’re part of finally going with it. Of letting and living.

It has nothing to do with me. I’m always just afraid and embarrassed to admit it when I want something so badly.

God, I need to get used to this trail of thought.

In the meantime, I’ll endure.

This is the last month that I’ll be 23 years old. I carry a lot of tales about winging it and treading carefully. A lot about committing and sticking it out. A lot about being responsible. About giving and giving until I have nothing left. About being so so so grossly aware of the little things, such as accompanying me to the girls’ bathroom and making sure I have tissues, or remembering the songs I blast in my headphones and playing it in the car, or ordering my food for me because I talked about it once a few months ago, or sending me all the things we could match in when we see other again next month, or showing up for me from fancy places to simple grocery stores, or ditching a game to chat with me on the couch, or allowing me to make the mistake instead of giving me shit for it so that I could get it over with, or fighting me and talking to me instead of leaving me, or saying my name when it matters, or sticking it with me, or sticking up for me, or being truthful, or caring genuinely...despite the human emotional overflows and hurts of it all.

I would tell you that the one thing I’m missing in the last 23 years is to be loved, but that would be untrue. I know the many faces of love because I am so very loved. I am used by others, sure—they come and they go and sometimes they stick around for more—but for the most part, I’m grateful to those who have no other reason to be here but to love me.

I count my years in turmoil in my mind. But I’m pretty peaceful about it. If you put a gun to my head, I will tell you that I cannot die just yet because I have people who need me to live. Otherwise, I can go.

I’m turning 24, and I admit I can’t go yet.

I badly want them to get what they want and lose what they don’t care about and finally get what they deserve and figure out what they need and find what makes them happy.

Life is a lifetime of figuring out what to make of it. And figuring it out entails a lot of feeling, learning, changing, hurting, and yearning in every adventure, so maybe the circular dependency is well worth it, after all.

My boss set me up for new project this week. I’m tired but I’m distracted and the brain war is not as bad, so I know I will be okay.

Out of the one million ways to tell the world that I’m okay, my favorite is saying yes.

Yes, I will be there.

Yes, I will give it to you.

Yes, I will tell you the truth.

And yes, I will love you, even when I have no stomach for you.

I still want to know what the end is, but in the meantime, since I’ve grown to love you for the past 23 years, I’ll endure.

[elderemorune]

A Diatribe

I'm fucking tired.

Just wiped.

I haven't written in days and my brain is a mess. I don't know how to process some of it, so I've just been mainlining the MSQ in FF14. I love the game, but I'm worried I've been doing escapism too much lately.

I have an Atlas complex. Hero complex, whatever you wanna call it, I'm the guy who's right there, ready to help every goddamn time. I am the tank, the one who takes the hits and backs up the party by making sure they can do their Jobs well.

My whole life, I've been told that my value is tied directly to helping others. I've always made it my goal to help people. It's not where I derive all of my value these days, but I find it telling that my preferred form of entertainment/relaxation is still doing that job.

I am a good tank. Not a great one, but a good one. I know my Job well, and take it seriously when I'm in game. It matters to me that I do well in the dungeons and during raids. I'm not even to HW yet, and I still can't wait to try Dark Knight, because swords are cool. Gunbreaker is also high on my list, almost entirely because Slicks will look way too cool with a Gunblade.

I have another character too. His name is Rassjan Starlight, he's married to Persephone Starlight, and is the toon I wear when I play with my wife. Where Slicks is a Warrior, Rassjan is a Paladin, a Job I identify more with, likely due to my incredibly strong sense of justice, a sense that was honed in my ten years being together with my wife.

And I've been thinking about how that happened. I've always cared about others, not what they think mind you, but in general. I don't want people to get hurt or to die, and generally believe that people are good. This has always been where my morality comes from, even when I got sucked into the alt-right pipeline. For a long time, all I could see was other people getting hurt, but I didn't see how they were hurting others.

I'm fairly certain that I'm the tank because I'd rather be the one getting hurt. I can take it, I know I can. Shit, I've lived through enough at this point to know that short of murderous violence, I can take it. I've seen 'mothers' decry their children as selfish solely because they want to live differently. I've been beaten, stepped on, elbowed punched, you name it. I've borne witness to the transformations of friends, the loss of enemies, and the shifting of cultural tides.

And I can take it. It's a lot, but I can.

It's not even a saviour thing. If I can buy my allies just a few seconds, just a scant moment, so that they can escape or deal the killing blow, I'm there. But I didn't save anyone, I've only enabled them to save themselves.

Like my wife. She says all the time that I saved her from a miserable life, but that's not true. She saved herself, I just extended the hand. I took the fights she couldn't so that she could get strong enough to take them on later.

Five years ago, if I'd proposed that I never want to speak to her mother again, this would have posed a problem. But now she's on board. Three years ago, I never would have envisioned my father trying to apologize for being a bad dad, but because I took the fight and enabled him to grow and heal, he did.

And the thing is, I've never done this alone. I used to say I raised myself, which is only half right. While my mom has always been distant, and my dad wasn't the best growing up, I still had people around me. Family friends who wanted to see me succeed. They took the fights I couldn't. My wife does it too now, sometimes. She encourages me to step back from dealing with my father when I'm drained. To take time for me from time to time, even with me caring for her full time on top of my job.

(Side note, is that why I'm always so goddamn tired?)

I think it feels similar in FF for me. The story is fun, but the meat of my love for the game is in exploring the world and seeing the incredible setting and in diving headfirst into dungeons across the land, fighting monsters and buying my party the time they need to dispatch our foes.

Real life, like FF, cares about our party composition. A tank to buy time for the DPS to take care of threats, and a healer to put them out when they all inevitably catch fire. A poorly constructed party may clear a dungeon, but it's harder. A poorly constructed friend group may be helpful sometimes, but it's still harder.

I dunno.

I think I've lost the plot, and don't recall what I wanted to say anymore. I tend to bullfrog anyway, you know? Talk just to hear my own voice or whatever.

Eh screw it.

[funniestsimpalive]

The barely thought a friend of mine told me that maybe I could be someone to my teacher, maybe just maybe he could like me in a cute way

Am so cringy for this

But seeing how he always sits in the chair and lay all his back to it, and as soon as the class gets interesting and we are not just reading, and sometimes I dare to participate, to see him now wanting to sit in his desk, where I can see him properly, I don’t think I mean shit, but then, that day I wasn’t really paying attention to him, and was just reading with the class, he got like bored, stared to the door and stood up, moved the chair and sat again, I eventually started talking now getting the topic a little bit better, and man stood again and sat on the desk.

Weird.

From some time it really felt man didn’t care he was married. Like. For real it felt like that.

I feel overall he’s weird, cause he stares so much at my place, and when talking shit out of topic and I get to explain he kinda points me with his hand as saying ok explain to me what’s going on.

Man is so smart, and I admire him for that, and I gotta be honest, I wouldn’t have dare to do, think, imagine SHIT if it wasn’t because of that friend of mine who just stalked him so fucking bad lmao

I feel guilty over thinking anything about him, even hard full complete admiration.

I mean, man is definitely like 15 years older than me. Why would he

I think he has expectations in me, cause when a student says something really stupid I’ve catch him (and I do too lmao) staring at me, like as if we could be in the same page, and I could feel the same shit as him, and how wrong someone is

How I could be in the same page as experience and knowledge if man is SO smart like why did I make it seem as if I was smart

I messed up since day 1

I admire him, and i see we agree in some topics, but man is living his life and am a kid who doesn’t wanna grow up, the fact that I don’t know how to defend myself and make others respect me puts me in an infinite childish box

I get so tired and well, for some good reason am dealing with what I am dealing

But the little bits of times I actually thought he liked me, was weird, so inappropriate. And I know it’s my fault, it’s my 14 year old fault because of choosing my personality and being so okay with loving the idea I could mean so little I could actually be liked by everybody, as if. I was crazy. And I realize, man is so much disrespecting me, checking to what point I would demonstrate interest, (as if, cause to get started, he’s my teacher and I do have the interest in learning, on the other side he has nothing to loose lol, man knows the topics and repeats every semester the same shit, he has so much free time to think about all my moves) idk I still think he could like me, but am not interested in being liked by someone who checked me, disrespected me, and would mean very wrong ideas I don’t wanna be related to. So wrong lmao

But I do remember thinking, realizing am being seen as an object, as a desire, as a dessert. Seeing I could be the other one to someone and to be okay with it, boils my blood. Of course I don’t have any place in a perspective to a man where If I stare for too long, if I desire to question shit out of class, and ask to get some personal project suppervised, I. Could. Mean. Anything. It’s so ridiculous!!! What the hell how could he started treating me as if I was special? I in any occasion actually felt like so, I was VERY conscious man was being inappropriate and treating me as his favorite, from one day to another he started waking right away after class, clearly avoiding me, AS IF I WAS STARTING SHIT!!?? My friend told me he probably realized he talked me in an inappropriate way in class and let to think he teached me something out of class which could led to weird stuff (not necessarily but yes? ) and didn’t want people to think anything, not that I actually did something,

He knows perfectly what am doing, and I don’t like it

He’s so weird

He knew where I worked and asked specifical questions to students that had similar jobs as me, and didnt ever addressed if I could answer anything, he for an instance when I raised my hand to ask something, and was starting the explanation with an example, said, you work in a n-, sorry where do you work? . For the record, I told his secretary student where I was working. They definitely talked about me some time, maybe that day, maybe recently, but he was about to mess up, and even when I answered the ambient was weird cause he put me in the spot cause I could have answer to all the questions he made, somehow he made sure I was avoiding to answer any of the shit he wanted us to talk about, and made me say where I work in front of everyone.

The other day gave me an extra point someone suggested, and when I gave him my last name he said, very unbothered, nah just tell me when class ends.

Which is as simple as that just weird.

But I told him, class has 4 minutes left ??? And he said, wait till it ends still

I had a cute outfit that day lmao (and I gotta admit I do take care to take my cutter outfits the days I have class with him) lmao

I got mad because everyone in class laughed. Like, am I being seen as desperate?? Does it seem as the teacher is my hard crush and I love and admire him and when he lets me down it’s funny???? Idk

But when I got close to his desk to tell him about my extra point man let me look for my name in his list, I had to lean so I tried to do it quickly, and he left his hand as if he was also looking, but like, my name is at the bottom and he didn’t even looked down, he was expecting my name appeared in the middle ?? Idk like was he pretending to look, cause when I realized he didn’t look for name properly, he was having a conversation with someone else, unbothered. And I thought to myself, did he smell my perfume? Was he nervous to have me so close, leaning on him a bit? Did he did this to take a close look up to my outfit? To get a chance I could wait until almost everyone else were gone? Did he did this cause he had very long time without seeing me very close to him? Is he avoiding me in some way because he realized he was maybe getting to close to me? Cause I remember his first posture and he was so confident and nice just being straight up in front of me. Man is tall, not that tall but I was wearing heels and still looked a bit up. Just the perfect size. Ugh. His hair. The way he blinks SO fucking much.

I gotta admit he has very beautiful eyes, very beautiful skin, and he seems a bit tired but very active, that’s why I wonder so much he would look like younger, I get surprised thinking his skin has very fainted freckles, man definitely doesn’t wear sunscreen

And that’s when I loose it. I can tell by his hands, man is hairy, very lmao. He has thick eyebrows, and his eyes are so deep dark and beautiful, and his eyelashes are also thick, and long, man has eyelashes, and freckles, and he looks so handsome and skinny, I have obviously and gotta admit it, imagine him without clothes lmao, I wonder what his hair after taking a shower looks like, and I deeply wish he could see my hair wet, so he can also get to know all the different normal-acceptable ways to be outside I look like, cause i saw his reaction when I wore glasses and he did stared at me like hmmm I kinda wanna know what he has to think about my red tinny glasses, which are way weirder.

I’ve seen him being quiet, staring at the void, and he looks so young, and so old to me obviously, I love him I guess, I like to see his thighs, which are not wide super big or tiny, man is just so fit, and also his arms are literally just normal, but I wonder what his shoulders look like, I wonder if naked he looks like a kid, like a teen I mean, like if I could see the bits of his young times still. And I wonder how it must feel to sit in his lap, which is obviously incorrect, must feel so warm of course, I wonder what his back looks like, and I wanna imagine it has freckles also, I wonder what kissing him while he’s laying and i’m on him must feel like, I can’t imagine his beautiful hands touching me, I literally can’t, but I have thought what being in top of him must feel. It gotta be me starting obviously cause I know he wouldn’t do me shit, I do think he has seen me in a cute way, he avoids looking at me literally every time I go to the restroom, he must think I do it in purpose which is so stupid lmao,

I just gotta imagine what man looks like laying in a bathtub where I could get to in top of him, I wonder what his love looks like. I think he would like my way of loving. Am just so stupid for him lmao, but I think we have similar values I guess. Am just so few for him literally, I have so much to be still.

I think his stare is the cutest thing about him, when I get to see his soul, his very self. I don’t care about what he could do me, make me, inspire me, that all I could do it for myself, but to see his smile, gotta instantly think what he must have looked like as a beautiful kid smiling. Ugh I love him I wish I could be something to him

Sometimes when am staring at him, I try to imagine what the rest of his body looks like, and it’s so hard cause he looks so handsome because man wears his shirts tight up to his neck, with a tight tie too obviously, and then I look at his feet, and his socks obviously also cover everything. He is so fine. For real. I wonder if he likes rough sex or cute vainilla. I would looooove to know what he does with his hands, with the tip of his fingers, what kissing and sitting in his lap while moving must feel, what his hands taking my waist must feel. I know he wouldn’t like it, it would be pure desire. The pure thinking of having a college student, to get her kiss you, I know and very deep know he doesn’t and couldn’t care about me

He is so much to me, he has a very complete perfect life I just gotta admit I’d love, I mean, I love to imagine what going to bed in any random regular day looks like, what his hugs feel. What having him being interested and take care of someone he loves looks like. I know I will never know that feeling, I imagine his face leaning on my head and his cheek resting on my head, while he demonstrates he’s being patient and caring with me.

Man is so handsome cause I’ve never seen anything of him besides his face, neck, hands, and that’s it. He is so formal.

I wonder if am attractive to him.

I just gotta say, sometimes he is way too confident lmao, excessively, that he leans so much on his back, he has his hands behind his back completely leaning on them, and I mean, we all, all the class could see his balls lmao. L m a o. And i realize, man doesn’t has the biggest dick, but definitely has the regular properly size for his height. I’ve seen his feet I know shit. But it’s so funny we all could see the exact size of his balls, which fit properly all of him. Lmao. It must be so funny to look at him naked lmao. He looks so young sometimes lmao. I looooove how young beautiful he looks. The way he’s always raising his eyebrows. Making hard statements. He has such balls like, he takes shit so serious. I’d love to never met him so I could have a one day something with him. I wonder what kissing him in the car while it’s raining must feel like. To take my hands to his pants.

I just remembered one time I literally could see he had his blazer a bit too open and I could see his waist kinda, and I thought I saw he had little belly rolls and I rewatched so hard because it was so weird to me to think of him like that, then I realized what his torso must look like and it’s so beautiful, with his forever everyday white shirt, and I mean, it was so funny some day he raised his hand I don’t remember how, I could see he was sweating, I mean, does he get nervous in class?? Why is that so cute and hot? And makes me want to touch his tighs while leaning my body between his legs, why does it makes me expect and wait for him to make some fucking shit as a first move? Why does it reminds me how lucky I feel to have class with him and have him all for me 4 hours a week? It was so cute thinking maybe we make him nervous, maybe from all the staring he gets with me could get a bit too much invested???? As if lmao!!! But like, even if he’s just regular nervous that’s also so cute of him 😫 man sweats. As like the people who not being in situations of sweating just start to sweat. It would be so cute to know he has that kind of health problems. So cute. Also, now that’s change of season, he came to class a bit sick, with a cold sore. It would be so cute he gets sick easily. So not of his rude strong way of being. I just admire him so much, he accepted to a student that has deep voice that he shouldn’t be shy about it because there’s people who would have liked to have so.!!!! He would have liked to have deep voice, even said there are people who wish didn’t have kids voice student! (As referring to himself<3) he’s so funny and smart and beautiful and a complete dream I just know that am all the opposite obviously

[imthebadguyyy]

maybe something like interviewer asking her sexist questions and the boys stand up for her , after that interview she feels insecure and the boys comfort her . that's just an idea you don't have to write it !! <33

I hope you like it, and I'm so sorry about the delay 😭 I couldn't find my footing with this one, and I hope it's what you wanted ! Have a lovely day 💙

The One Where They're There For Her

Pairing - One Direction x Reader (6thmember!female!reader)

Fandom - One Direction (Directioners)

Summary - A particularly sexist interview decides to reduce you to just a sexual being and makes no effort to hide his misogyny. But the boys are there to support you.

Warnings - sexualization of the lgbt community, sexist comments, swearing, (honestly I hated myself for writing some of the comments here,and I'm so sorry)

Being a part of the biggest band in the world comes with certain responsibilities. Not responsibilities that come along with signing a recording contract, but those that a person deems themselves responsible for. For example, as the only female in a boyband, a female with a fanbase as large as yours, you took it upon yourself to always stand up for what's right, and to be an ally for the causes close to your heart.

That meant that your social media was often flooded with information about important causes, or your opinions on issues like feminism. Was it always well received? Heck no. There were people filled your feed with hate and comments calling you the most horrible names and labelling you a 'man hater' and a 'bitch' But you didn't let it get to you. On most days. On days like today, it was all you could do to keep it together. It had been a tiring few days, touring, recording, performing and doing an endless amount of interviews and photoshoots. It was safe to say you were on the last of your nerves, having battled your way through a makeup artist who had insisted on pointing out your flaws and had used a shit ton of makeup to cover them up. You had battled a photographer who had not hesitated to tell you that if you didn't look more feminine people would think you were turning into a man.

Before you could retaliate, Paul had dragged him away and told management to cancel the photoshoot, and find another photographer before grabbing the six of you some sandwiches and had let you all go back for a quick power nap at the hotel. Then in about half an hour he had woken you up, to get you ready for another interview. That's how you were here, in a white jumpsuit and a black blazer jacket, paired with black heels. Another day, another interviewer that got on your nerves. But this one, this one was different. This interviewer was different, but also the same. Another misogynistic man who thought he was entitled to stare at your ass and cleavage, and eye fuck you as you settled into a seat in between Niall and Zayn.

Settling in, you crossed one knee over the other, plastering a fake smile onto your face, as the man leaned back in his chair, throwing you a sleazy smirk. Noticing the look, Zayn shifted so you were out of view of the interviewer, but in view of the audience. It was in moments like this that you were a 100× more grateful to have your boys. They were well aware of how sleazy some interviewers could be, having had plenty of experience with them, and Zayn and Louis in particular were very protective about the way you were treated. Squeezing your thigh softly, he leaned back a little, lips settling into a thin line as he looked at the interviewer with a cold look. A little behind, Louis threw the interviewer a dirty look.

"So, One Direction! Congratulations on the album, as you all know its out on November the 22nd, with eighteen new songs, including the singles Night Changes and Steal My Girl Speaking of stealing girls, do you think I could steal your number Y/N? And may I mention, you look ver, very hot in that outfit" The interviewer joked, throwing you what he thought was a sexy smirk. (P.S - it wasn't) Answering with an awkward laugh, you shook your head, as Niall tensed up beside you. "Aww come on, your'e a pretty girl, I'm a handsome guy, let's go out sometime" he pressed on, ignoring the growing anger in Harry's eyes. "That's umm, nice. But no thanks, I'm not going to go out with you" was your answer, as you pushed a strand of hair behind your ear. Picking up on your nervous tic, Zayn moved his hand to rest on your knee, stopping it from bouncing up and down.

"Aww come on baby, what is it? You like girls or something? Because I wouldn't mind being a part of that action either" the sleazebag chuckled, ignoring the disgusted look Liam sent his way. "That's rude" Liam said, while Zayn tightened his grip on your knee. "Oh come on lads, are you telling me the idea doesn't appeal to you? Two women together, mm, makes me all excited just thinking about it, especially if one of them's Y/N" That comment was all it took for Louis to stand up, turning to the man and saying in a voice much rougher than his usual voice, "Alright, that's fuckin' enough, what the fuck is actually wrong with you?" he was backed up by Liam, who stood up, going to tower over the interviewer, whose eyes had lost some of the sleazy look in them. "All you've done since we walked in here is make those disgusting comments about Y/N, and it's sickening. Have some fucking respect" he practically spat.

Behind him, Zayn took your hand in his and pulled you to your feet, noticing the slight glossiness in them, leading you back to the dressing rooms, while Niall, Liam, Louis and Harry stayed back to continue to snap at the interviewer. "That is no way to treat a woman, and not only are you disrespecting her, you also made those god awful events about seeing women together. Your'e a shame to every single person in this room by talking like that" Harry continued, glancing over his shoulder to check if you were okay.

"And no, it doesn't excite us, because we are not assholes, and you are, a disgusting sleaze who does not deserve the job he has. Fuckin loser" Niall chimed in, standing up and storming out. Louis stood up as well, turning to directly face the cameras and the cameramen and sound technicians, who had all looked shocked when the man had made his comments towards you. "I sure as hell hope you have that on record, so you can see just how fucking sexist this industry is to women. Y/N does the same job as us, works just as hard and has the same number of awards, nominations, and records and yet you decide to only focus on her body, clothes, love life and sexuality. Get a fucking life" he spat at the camera, before walking away himself, eventually followed by Harry and Liam, who apologized to the outraged fans before leaving themselves. As they made their way to the dressing rooms they could hear the audience telling the interviewer to apologize to you, their anger at the way you were treated echoing through the building.

Walking in, Harry caught sigh of you curled up in one of the armchairs, with Louis sitting beside you, while Niall and Zayn talked to a furious Paul. "He had no damn right to treat her like shite, and you need to make sure that he knows those comments were un-fuckin-acceptable" Niall was saying, looking angrier than Harry had ever seen him. "And to make those sickening comments about wanting to get action? Can't we sue him for something?" Was Zayn's reply, glancing over his shoulder at you to make sure you were still okay. "We can't sue him, atleast I don't think we can, but I'll have someone let the smug bastard know that he needs to learn how to respect a woman" Paul said, before leaving the room to give the six of you some time together before you had to head back to the hotel.

"How're you feeling darling?" Louis said, moving over and patting your knee so you moved. "I'm okay" you mumbled back, letting Louis settle in next to you, leaning back to rest on his chest. "He had no fuckin right to say any of that, and don't you let it trouble you for a second" Zayn added, pouring out a cup of tea for you and for Louis and Harry. "I don't care about what he said, I couldn't care less, but it was just so frustrating, sitting there and listening to him just sexualize a whole community of people. You've got to be in a really sad place to think of shit like that. That's what annoyed me. You think I give a damn about what he said about my clothes or wanting to take me out on a date? It was the way he was talking, like he was sure any woman would be glad to have him that irked me. He's really tiresome" was your reply, as you reached forward for a sip of your tea. "That's the right attitude love. Haters gonna hate" Harry said.

"I know that. But I just wish I could punch him once, which sounds mean, but he does kind of deserve it" Niall said, earning a laugh from you. Niall was never usually aggressive, and even now, he wasn't particularly rude but it was rare to see him wanting to punch someone. "It's okay Niall, you don't have to. I can do it myself, but I won't" you replied, leaning up to squeeze his hand. "Besides, Ni, if you went and punched him, I'd do it too, and then we'd all go to jail" Liam chimed in, scrolling through his twitter. "Twitter isn't happy either babe. #stopsexualization and #Y/Ndeservesbetter is trending already" he added, showing you his phone. "If it means some of these sexist asses get their heads out of the sand, I'm happy. But I dont want to to think about it now" you replied, cuddling closer to the warmth radiating from Louis's body.

"Okay, we won't talk about it. Do you want to go back to the hotel?" Harry asked, standing up and walking to the door "No I want to go to Nando's. Anybody else hungry?" You asked, to nods of assent from the boys. "I'm starving. Those stupid sandwiches didn't fill me up at all" Zayn said, standing up to grab his coat and wallet. "I know and I'm craving some hot Peri Peri chicken with some fries. Do you think they'd let me put the lemon and herb sauce on the fries?" You asked, standing up yourself, earning a laugh from Louis. "Your'e an international superstar babe, I think they'd give you some lemon herb sauce" Liam joked.

Laughing, the six of you made your way to the car, with Harry and Niall squishing you in between them, as Louis sat in the back with Liam, and Zayn sat in the front with Paul (he was driving thank GOD) "I'm proud of you darling" Harry chimed in suddenly. "I am too" Niall added. "You know I am" Louis said, before Liam added "Always babe" and Zayn turned to smile at you before adding, "We are all proud of you, and we always will be, not only because you do a damn good job of not listening to the haters, but because you do what you think is right" "Awh come on, your'e gonna make me cry" you mumbled, leaning into Niall's shoulder. "Almost makes me feel bad for teasing you about having an extremely low spice tolerance the last time we were at Nando's Haz" you smirked, earning a roar of laughter from the boys.

"That chicken was spicy love!" "It was lemon and herb with no peri peri!" "And it was spicy!"

And just like that, you were back to messing around with each other. Sleazy interviewers would come and go, but your boys were always there to support you. Always.

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A/N - Thanks for reading ! I'd also like to apologize on the behalf of this fictitious interviewer I made up, I felt so bad while writing some of this 😭 anyways, I hope this is what you wanted! Enjoy !

Tags - @zaynkissbot @gucci-hazza @bxtchboy69